The Best Hraka Around
Years ago, just as I was on the cusp of adolescence, a doting grandmother gave me a book on life and relationships. It was gift given with the full expectation that it would lead me down the primrose path to upright and moral citizenship. It was Dr. T.W. Shannon’s The New Perfect Manhood, written in 1916.
It made me into the man I am today, and in the interest of creating more like me, I now share it with you.
Continue reading ‘Return of The New Perfect Manhood’ »
Part 10 of The New Perfect Manhood - Frequency of Sexual Relations and Unbridled Liberty!
Once again we re-visit the 1916 sexual education book my beloved grandmother presented to me upon the occasion of my 12th birthday, excerpting from chapter seven of Professor T.W. Shannon’s The New Perfect Manhood.
Vital Facts for Married and Marriageable Men
Why do Young People Fail, and True Knighthood
A Mutual Understanding in Matters of Sex.
Determining Virtue before Marriage
The First Night of Marriage
Facts a Young Husband Should Know
Proof of Virginity after the Consumation of Marriage
Ovulation and Menstruation, and Why the Woman Has the Right to Set the Date of Marriage
Frequency of Sexual Relations
Frequency of Sexual Relations.
As to how frequently married people should indulge in intercourse, there are several theories.
Let’s list them;
The Husband - Once a day, and twice on weekends, at a minimum, with occasional sprinklings of spontaneous oral sex just for the sake of variety, like when I’m reading the paper.
The Wife - Only if the kids are in bed, the bills are paid, the house has been recently cleaned, the cat put out, and I have not looked at myself in the mirror for the past week.
The Children - Never, ever. The thought makes me physically ill. People over thirty should avoid any and all physical contact.
Wanna Be Grandparents - What are you doing out of bed?
A majority of men base their theory on uncontrolled desire rather than on any safe basis of reasoning and analogy.
Finally analogy assumes its rightful place in the arts of lovemaking!
Him: Let’s try it again, Prudence, one last time.
Her: Certainly, Reginald.
Him: Now, If I’m a banana, and you are a monkey.
Her: What kind of a monkey?
Him: It doesn’t matter what kind of a monkey, darling. You pick any kind you like.
Her: How nice of you! I certainly shall.
Him: Excellent. Now, what would a monkey do…
Her: I will be a Colobus, then. The Saturday Evening Post has the most delightful article on Colobus monkeys the other day. I was telling Mabel that..
Him: Darling, do you remember when we talked about tangents last night?
Her: Yes, that was just after we started discussing Reason and its influence on the marital bed. I must say I was quite distressed when I found you had fallen asleep.
Him: Be that as it may, my sweet, let us attempt to hew more closely to our decision to avoid treading down, if we may, every single path that our thoughts may take us, so that…..
Her: Reginald, darling, could you try to stick to the subject at hand?
Him: …..But!…….I’m so sorry darling. Now, I’m a banana.
Her: Yes
Him: And you are a pretty little Columbus monkey
Her: Colobus, dear.
Him: What!?
Her: I’m a Colobus Monkey, dear. There’s no such thing as a Columbus monkey.
Him: Yes, of course. You are a Colobus monkey–A Colobus monkey with a delightful little mouth and cunning little paws.
Her: Eeep! Eeep!
Him: Yes, that’s right!. You’re a good little monkey! And I’m a banana! Now, what do you do with a banana?
Her: Why, I throw it away, of course.
Him: YOU WHAT!!!
Her: Throw it away, darling. Colobus monkeys only eat leaves.
Him: only…eat…leaves…
Her: Yes dear, The article said they are extremely finicky.
Him: I seem to have developed a sudden headache.
Her: I’m sorry darling. Would you like to retire?
Him: I………..think I shall. Good night.
Her: Good night!
In this, as in every other problem of sex, men have been left to get their information from the degraded and ignorant classes.
Because those classes are the only ones who are any good at it.
They have blindly followed their misinformation and uncontrolled impulse into sexual excess.
Why, I knew of a man who had his lady wife sit astraddle him as he reclined, and he was run over by a locomotive the very next day! True story!
Such men know but one rule–desire.
Oddly enough, the Rule of Desire is the same as the Golden; Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The feeling you get when they don’t do unto you is quite a bit different, however.
A few men have had a better environment and wholesome instruction and some others have discovered their mistakes and have put up a successful battle with their propensities and now enjoy a larger liberty.
Because they’re divorced.
These men have come to see the error of prodigality in married life and are advocating more consistent methods in marriage relations.
This eminently logical practice is known as Pon Farr.
Unbridled Liberty.
A very decided majority hold to unchecked privilege as frequently as they wish.
How they managed to avoid total blindness before they were married is a miracle beyond belief.
This leads to marital excess.
And believe me, 13 months later, when you’re having to diaper marital excess at 2 in the morning? You’ll regret your lapse.
Multiplied thousands of married women owe their wretched health and miserable existence to their husband’s views of sexual liberty.
Damn you, constitutionally mandated Pursuit of Happiness! Damn you to Hell!
At the close of one of our lectures in a city a man said: “If I could recall fifteen years and start over married life again, possessing the information I have gained from your three lectures, I would gladly present you with $100,000 and begin married life over again without a dollar.”
Because he would have married someone else.
We asked him for an explanation.
Because we feared what he would do if we did not.
His reply was: “Fifteen years ago I was married to a beautiful, sweet and healthy woman.
15 years later, and she’s a hag. What’s up with that?
I was ignorant; I knew nothing of intelligent self-control.
That explains all the public masturbation arrests.
I understood that marriage meant liberty.
Once you read the Bill of Rights to a naked woman, she’s yours forever.
I was very happy in my married life.
Do you smell smoke?
Wife never refused me.
Sir, I feel that I must inform you that your pants are on fire.
We had been married not more than a year when she had to take stimulating drugs.
In other words, you were dead boring.
She steadily grew more nervous and required more and more drugs.
You’d be nervous too, if you never knew when a man clad only in condiments was going to leap out of the dumbwaiter and have his way with you.
When we had been married only five years my wife was an invalid.
Well, playing Colonel Mustard’s School of Discipline every single night of the week is bound to take it out of a girl.
My doctor said to me one day, ‘You must let your wife travel for six months or a year,or you will have to put her in a graveyard in less than a year.’
This sounds less like an explanation and more like bragging with every passing second.
I had money.
Yup, Definitely bragging
I could trust the business with one of my men.
Arthur was his name. Arthur Anderson.
I could take a year off and travel with my wife.
Of course, I’d already been Around the World with her hundreds of times.
I did not know that the doctor was trying to get my wife away from me so she could have sexual rest.
Or, as Marvin Gaye didn’t say
Ooh, now let’s not get down tonight.
Baby I’m hot just like an oven
But you don’t need no lovin’!
So baby, I’ll have to hold it longer.
It’s getting stronger and stronger
And when I get that feeling,
You need Sexual Healing.
Sexual Healing, oh baby,
Makes you feel so fine,
Helps to relieve thy mind
Sexual Healing baby, is good for thee.
Sexual Healing is something that’s good for thee.
Whenever blue tear drops are falling,
And my emotional stability is leaving me.
There is something I can do.
I can get on the telephone and call you up baby, and
Honey I know you’ll be there to not relieve me!
The love you won’t give to me will free thee.
If you don’t know the things you’re dealing,
I can tell you, darling, that it’s Sexual Healing.
Don’t Get up, Get up, Get up, Get up, let’s not make love tonight!
Please don’t Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, so we’ll not do it right
We traveled for six months.
We joined the Mile High Club!
We visited the principal palaces of scenery, pleasure and recreation.
Sodom, Gomorrah, and Paris!
I had specialists treat her. I continued my demands.
Until I ran out of Grey Poupon.
She grew steadily worse.
As she proved allergic to horseradish.
We returned home.
To our house, and its gigantic condiment pantry.
A few months passed by and I placed my wife in a graveyard.
I shall never forget our last night together; myself smoking a post-coital cigar, her lying stiff and cold and yellow in her coffin.
I see it all now.
Because of my extensive photography collection. Would you like to see it? Nudge Nudge, wink wink!
I slowly murdered my own wife by robbing her of her vitality.”
The police called it……spermicide.
This false idea of personal liberty is responsible for over child-bearing.
Not to mention most Catholics.
It takes some three years for a woman to entirely recover from the sacrifice of the preceding maternity.
Or so his wife tells him.
Many a mother’s life is one of unceasing service for a big family of children.
And they’re all a lot of ungrateful snot-nosed bastards, the lot of them. Just ask my mother.
No time for mental improvement, rest, and pleasure.
Due to the horrible Calgon shortage experienced by the United States in the first quarter of the 20th century.
This is not right.
At this point Republicans nod their heads, Libertarians shrug their shoulders and Democrats pass a law.
Large families are rarely advisable today.
One must do what one can to keep the Irish down, certainly.
Children must be better clothed and educated.
If not, then in the very near future American schoolchildren will graduate elementary school knowing neither Algebra or Latin, and our society will collapse into barbarism.
It costs three or four times as much to support a family today as it did years ago.
Thank the Lord that the little sots may be ably employed in steel-making or some other industrial business.
If men follow their unnatural desire, some artificial or unnatural method will likely be used to prevent conception.
Thus the saying “A blowjob a day keeps the babies away!”
All of these methods are not only to some degree injurious, but they lead to greater excesses.
These were in the days before French tickler technology had come of age.
It is estimated by medical men that there are some 400,000 wives who annually go to medical men for advice and treatment after they have committed abortion, and that if this large number require medical attention, there must be 100,000 women who succeed without medical advice and treatment. This means that a half million unwelcomed children are deliberately murdered annually in America before they see the light of day.
These estimates courtesy of the American Coathanger Association.
Why this awful crime of feticide or prenatal murder? Lack of sexual control in married life, usually on the part of the husband, is the principal explanation.
Husbands cause abortions. Better not to get married at all, really.
Certainly a theory of marital relations responsible for the foregoing conditions can not be physically, socially scientifically or morally right
Which is why yours has been forgotten, my good man.
Next: For Procreation Only, Restricted Relations, and Rights of the Mother and Child
Today we re-visit the 1916 sexual education book my beloved grandmother presented to me upon the occasion of my 12th birthday. It had repercussions I still haven’t come across.
Once again, excerpts from chapter seven of Professor T.W. Shannon’s The New Perfect Manhood.
Part 9 - Ovulation and Menstruation
The real founders of Rome.
In the healthy woman, from puberty until the change of life, a period of some thirty-five years, once every twenty-eight days, the ovaries ripen a germ cell, called an ovum or egg.
It is at this time that you are most likely to find your loved one riding a horse on the beach, wearing her favorite white outfit. She is invariably accompanied by her mother during these times, also in white, also on a horse.
The ripening of this egg in an ovary and its passage through the oviduct into the womb is the function of ovulation.
This knowledge would be more widespread, had the FCC not prevented the airing of the Schoolhouse Rock series on Human Sexuality.
Once every twenty-eight days the mucous membrane of the womb secretes a bloody mucus.
Much like the nostrils of the FCC chairman the day after Prof. Shannon punched him in the nose. He’d spent a lot of time on those songs.
This is the function of menstruation.
How could they turn down Menstruation?
When Dorothy was home with the “flu”, (uh huh)
The doctor knew just what to do:
He said “Ovulation,
Is the cause of menstruation.”
And Dorothy uttered some imprecations!
“Damn! That’s cold!”
“Crap! That hurts!”
“Shit! That’s not fair, putting the forceps all the way down there!”
Menstruations!
Cause excitement,
Or emotion!
They’re generally recognized by the sentient,
By a bloody maxi-pad,
Or by a tampon when the flow is not as strong. Mmmm…
Though Geraldine played hard to get, (uh huh)
Geraldo knew he’d love her yet.
When he tried relations,
Despite her menstruation,
That Geraldine hollered some imprecations!
“Asshole! I’ve got bad cramps!”
“Leave me alone! I’ve never been so pissed off in all my life!”
“Hey! You’re kinda cute!”
Menstruations!
Cause excitement,
Or emotion!
They’re generally recognized by the sentient,
By a bloody maxi-pad,
Or by a tampon when the flow is not as strong. Mmmm…
So when she’s snappy,
Or sad,
Or frightened,
Or mad.
Not excited,
nor glad.
Her menstruation probably starts that night!
The game was tied at seven all, (uh huh)
When Franklin found he had no balls.
It wasn’t castration,
He was built for lactation,
And there and then she had her first menstruation!
Damn! You throw like a girl!
crap! You just lost the game!
Hurray! I’m for the other team!
Menstruations!
Cause excitement,
Or emotion!
They’re generally recognized by the sentient,
By a bloody maxi-pad,
Or by a tampon when the flow is not as strong. Mmmm…
So when she’s snappy,
Or sad,
Or frightened,
Or mad.
Not excited,
nor glad.
Her menstruation probably starts that night!
Menstruations!
Cause excitement,
Or emotion!
They’re generally recognized by the sentient,
By a bloody maxi-pad,
Or by a tampon when the flow is not as strong.
The passage of the mucus from the vagina is called the menstrual flow.
Because calling it the Monthly Ketchup led to all sorts of problems at the Little Rock McDonalds.
The function of menstruation and the flow last from three to six days, four days being the average.
Starting a betting pool with your friends on the termination date is not considered sporting. You have inside her information, after all.
If the woman is irregular, menstruation may come oftener or she may miss a month or several months.
Irregular women are often cheaper and can found at shops specializing in factory seconds. Keep her well covered and out of the public eye, and no one need ever know that you have married a flawed woman. Be sure to discreetly inquire amongst her friends and family to ascertain her exact flaws before finalizing your engagement.
Ovulation may proceed or follow menstruation.
In Arabic countries, it it required to follow menstruation at a distance of five feet.
In rare cases it may occur between two menstrual periods.
An inexperienced male might assume that all ovulations occur between two menstrual cycles. This is incorrect, as menstruation has the power to bend the space/time continuum. Many are the experienced husbands and fathers who will attest to periods that last for what seems like months.
The egg or ovum may descend into the womb before the menstrual period;
By rappelling down the side of the womb, or simply falling off and bouncing to the bottom. This biological process was the inspiration for Pachinko
most frequently after the cessation of the menses; in very rare cases, midway between the menses.
See above space/time reference
The sperm cell of the male may meet and impregnate the ovum either in the womb or in an oviduct.
The sperm most likely to succeed at this activity carry tiny little martinis, which they give to the egg prior to the impregnation attempt.
It is possible for a healthy wife to conceive any time that an ovum is passing through an oviduct or lingering in the womb.
Ovum for future juvenile delinquents are often found malingering in the womb.
The period of greatest probability is the next ten days immediately following cessation of the menstrual flow.
“Greatest probability” does not mean she is better at gambling during this period. People who do believe in gambling during this period get their payout nine months later.
The period of least probability is the next ten days.
Catholics are more apt to gamble during this period. Judge the results for yourself
Between this last period and the beginning of the next menses is a period of four or five days.
The Reign of Menses was interrupted by the Trojan invasion. He was succeeded by his daughter, Nefertility.
Conception is not as likely to take place during this last period as during the first period mentioned.
Good God almighty, man! How many damn periods does a woman have? Are they always pre-menstrual?
Intercourse should never take place during the menstrual period.
Limit your activities to oral sex.
Wives naturally repel the approach of their husbands at this period.
Mild acquaintances and strangers make them hot, however. Confine her to quarters for the duration.
Sexual relations at this time lead to many complications in the genital organs of the woman.
Typical of these is “Confused Uterus”. It doesn’t know whether it’s coming or going.
Why the Woman Has the Right to Set the Date of Marriage
It keeps them from complaining about suffrage for a bit.
At times during courtship a young woman is not so loving and attentive to her suitor as at others.
She may threaten you with grievous bodily harm, or have her family set the dogs on you. Pay her no mind! This is simply a chemical imbalance, rectified only by your constant attentions!
Where young men do not understand this, they are likely to misunderstand the apparent indifference.
Secretly she wants you, and longs for you at all times. Go to her window, and croon soft poetry to her in the wee hours of the morning.
In setting the date of marriage, the young woman tries to select a date that will fall midway between two menstrual periods.
This is typically a thirty minute interval.
The duties and excitement incident to the approaching date of marriage may hasten the arrival of each monthly period a few days.
Or maybe she doesn’t remember when they occur. This is known in the Vatican as Infant Roulette.
Should she find that marriage and a menstrual period are likely to come on the same date, she will ask that the date be made earlier or later.
Unless it’s bad for the caterer. In which case, tough on you.
It is for this reason that she is given the right to set or change the date of marriage.
That, and the fact the the men who care, who really, really care about the date of marriage? They’re not likely to be interested in the ladies anyway. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Coming Soon:
Frequency of Sexual Relations
Like you have a choice in the matter
and
Unbridled Liberty
Never molest an unbridled horse.
What the possessor of The New Perfect Manhood should know the morning after he finally becomes one.
Part 8 - Proof of Virginity after the Consummation of Marriage
If there’s still some proof of virginity, you’ve been drilling the wrong well, son.
The discovery of blood on the bed clothes, following the consummation of marriage, is a positive proof that the wife was a virgin.
Blood on the kitchen table is a positive proof the the groom could not wait one more blasted second.
The absence of all signs of blood is not to be considered as conclusive proof that the wife was not a virgin.
It’s pretty good proof that you’re a little lacking in the package department, though. It’ll be the first thing she tells her mother and her sister and all her female relations. And they in turn will tell their husbands. Strangers will point you out on the street. “Raisin!” they will call you. Can you feel her eyes upon you, Gerald? Do you see the glint of amusement and pity in them? Do you see the way they linger on the gardener, on his fine strong back, on the…armadillo in his trousers? I told you not to pleasure yourself, Gerald, but I never told you why. It doesn’t make you blind, it makes you….shrink. Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
The hymen is so near the external orifice of the vagina that at any time in life a girl might accidentally sit or drop down on a pointed object so as to break the hymen.
This is known as “Bobbing for Bananas”
Small girls occasionally break the hymen by ignorantly and innocently playing with themselves or with each other.
“I don’t know what it is, Dorothy, but you won’t believe how high I can make a dime bounce off of it.”
In a few cases the opening in the hymen is naturally large enough to permit of intercourse without breaking.
You feel better now, little man?
Though carelessness on the part of parents or guardians and ignorance on the part of small girls and boys, children eight, ten and twelve years old sometimes engage in sexual relations.
“Dammit, Helen, they’re at it again. Mildred, Charles, if I see you doing that with the buggy whip one more time, you’ll never play with the Catholic kids again, so help me God.
In such cases the hymens of small girls are broken.
It’s all fun and games until someone gets their hymen put out.
Occasionally girls under fourteen, who do not know the name of the act, to say nothing of what in it involves, permit young men to have sexual relations with them.
This is prevented by instructing your female children in the names of the act from a very small age. Among them are Exciting the Irish, Riding with Mr. Roosevelt, Fannie and the Frenchman, Conjugal Communion, Bibbity Bobbity Boner, Storming The Trenches, Phallus and Athena, Poon Spoon, Adam and Eve and PinchMeTit, Damming the River Menses, Prince Albert in Your Can and Making Pudenda Pudding. Have her repeat them to your minister. He will always know of five or six others that may be added to the list.
If it is not continued beyond the fourteenth year, in the eyes of civil law, the offense does not constitute a loss of virginity.
That gives you two years of fun in most of America, and four in Kentucky and Tennessee.
Prudish mothers who keep their girls ignorant concerning their reproductive organs and their social dangers are infinitely more guilty of crime than their daughters are.
So when your uterus uses the wrong fork during the cheese course, you’ll know who to blame.
Coming Soon: Ovulation and Menstruation, and Why the Woman Has the Right to Set the Date of Marriage
More readings from the New Perfect Manhood
Part 7 - Facts a Young Husband Should Know
Don’t marry young. Whoops, too late!
The vagina of a virgin is normally guarded by a delicate membrane, called the hymen.
As in “Hi, men! Come near me and the next thing you feel will be pa’s shotgun in your quivering buttocks!”
The hymen contains a small opening about the size of a lead pencil, through which passes the menstrual flow.
For all you kayakers, this constriction of the passageway generates rapids rated Class 3 and up. For the non-kayakers, here are the American Standard Vagina Rapids Classifications.
Class 1 — few ripples, maybe some small waves and few, if any, obstacles.
Class 2 — easy rapids; wide channels with little maneuvering necessary.
Class 3 — more difficult rapids with large waves; narrow passages requiring maneuvering.
Class 4 — large, long and difficult rapids that usually require precise maneuvering.
Class 5 — terrifically difficult, extended and often violent rapids with constricted passageways.
Class 6 — generally considered unrunnable. Experts only.
The hymen, if not broken before marriage, is broken at the time marriage is consummated.
Proceed with caution, as the shards can be sharp.
Naturally, this is attended with more or less pain.
As I said, sharp. Most men seem to find a way to continue, despite the terrific pain they suffer at this time.
Where the hymen is quite tough and strong, the pain is considerable.
It will wring your manhood as the cook does a cock’s neck. But don’t back out now, man. Think of England!
Under normal sexual excitement the vagina secrets a lubricating mucus with aids in the sexual act.
Do not, and I cannot stress this strongly enough, offer her any of your mucus if you think the supply is running short.
Nearly all girls have heard frightful stories of the sufferings experienced by some women the night after marriage.
They wake the next morning unfulfilled, slathered in someone else’s mucus, and legally bound to a husband whining about how sore he is.
This explains, in part, why nearly all brides have no little hesitancy and dread as the first night after marriage approaches.
Calm her fears by explaining that you have warded yourself against hymen shards by means of a thick application of coal tar.
When the bride has complete confidence in her husband and he has caressed and loved her as he should, she will, at the proper time, invite the consummation of marriage.
Look for a small notecard on the bedside table with the letters R.S.V.P. written on it. Under no means proceed without it, as this would be rude.
By this time nature will have prepared her for this new experience.
Nature achieves this through a complex process involving the fermentation of grains, colorful small umbrellas and oddly shaped glasses.
Any pain will now be greatly reduced and unnoticed by her.
Better put on some more coal tar just to be safe, though
Next: Proof of Virginity after the Consummation of Marriage.
Kind of late to be worrying abou that now, don’t you think?
More readings from the New Perfect Manhood
Part 6: The First Night of Marriage
waka chika waka chika, waka chika waka chika
The first sexual intercourse in marriage is called the consumation of marriage.
It’s called consumation because you’re supposed to eat her. No, no! Not like that, dumbass. Put the fork down!
The Greeks had a custom or law that marriage
Yes, those famous Greek marriages “A woman, her man, and his boy.”
should not be consumated before the third night of marriage.
Make her beg for it.
Such a custom taught to men today would contribute much to the happiness of marriage and rob the divorce mills of many victims.
How, exactly? Were three day hard-ons considered a source of happiness? Did young men boast to their chums about them? “Yep, Clem, I ain’t been able to pee for nigh on 64 hours now, and I’ve never been happier!”
In the past the only source of information open to a young man has been that of vicious and ignorant men.
Known to all and sundry by the damning sobriquet of “Father.”
The information received from such sources is always misinformation and leads to serious mistakes.
“No! Not there either, William! For the last time, it’s not anywhere near my elbow!”
The young man who has been so unfortunate as to have visited fallen women, accustomed to accommodating all classes of men,
He’s visited fallen women and can accomodate all classes of men? No trouble getting a date on Saturday night, then.
has no intelligent knowledge of what it means to bring a virgin to the nuptial couch;
Couch? There’s your first problem, right there. What’s wrong with back of the nuptial limo? Oh, right. Three day waiting period. Like guns. God forbid you should have sex in the heat of passion. Might lead to pleasure, and pleasure leads questioning authority, and questioning authority leads to soixante-neuf on the sidewalks in broad daylight. I know. Horses everywhere fear me.
And a nuptial couch is kind of a specialized piece of furniture, isn’t it? What do you do with it afterwards? Put it in the den and point it out to the houseguests? “And there, Mrs. Griffin, is where Johnathan made me a woman. If you look closely you can still see the stain.”
Now, where were we? Oh. Make sure you seduce a virgin or two before you get married. After all, it’s for your future wife’s benefit.
neither has the young man who has been so fortunate as to have kept his virtue.
Yes, nearly all male virgins think of themselves as fortunate. As schoolboys, we used to pity to poor souls among us who had already been laid.
One is about as likely to make a serious mistake as the other.
“Not the knee either, William!”
You have heard or read more than once of some woman committing suicide the day after marriage,
Do you think it might be because you told her husband not to sleep with her?
or refusing to live with her husband and suing for divorce at the first court. You wondered at this. Well, there is a reason.
But first, an anecdote!
Only recently, while we were conducting a city-wide educational campaign, an estimable lady
She gave out estimates? Based on what? Size? Duration? Number in the group?
called us up over the ?phone,
We are down with the street talk, Holmes. You got the ‘cred, no d-bout about it
requesting an interview at the hotel parlor. The privilege was granted.
“You may kiss my ring, petitioner.”
This was her story:
“Call me Ishmael…”
?I understand that you are to give your second lecture to men Sunday at the Armory.
Apparently the first lecture didn’t take.
I hope to have my son-in-law there to hear you.
Because I’m an interfering old bat.
I want you to tell the men what men ought to know before they are married.
“Don’t eat crackers in bed, put your own damn socks in the laundry, and ‘Not tonight, dear’ does not have a ten minute expiration date.”
Our daughter has been married only fifteen days.
One for each year of her life.
She has just confided to me that she has not retired with her husband since the first night.
“Momma, he was nothing like Mr. Darcy! Or Heathcliff!”
Such was his treatment of her that since then she has cried herself to sleep each night in a rocking chair.?
“He insisted that I unclothe!”
At the close of a lecture to mature young college men
on what they should know before marriage,
What, controlling your bride through withholding sex? Aren’t you kinda playing on the other side’s turf, here?
one of the professors sought an interview with me.
Yes, yes, we realize you’re popular.
He said ?I wish that I could have heard your lecture before I was married. My education in these practical social matters was wholly neglected. Due alone to my ignorance, I lost the respect and love of my wife the first night after marriage;
Damn you, pink bunny outfit! Damn you to hell!
and, while we are living together and will continue to do so,
Misery. Company.
I have not be able to regain what I lost that night.?
You can’t unscrew your virginity, mister
Where the first night of marriage is spent in the home of the bride, she is the first one to retire.
This gives her father time to get liquored up and talk about his “little girl”, in a low monotone, all the while staring directly at you with his cold, cold eyes.
Later the bridegroom is conducted to her room.
By a nervous, fidgety mother, who keeps casting long, worried looks down the hall towards her husband, who is cleaning his toenails with the largest knife you have ever seen!
Before retiring he should assure her that he is a gentleman, and that he will treat her as a sweetheart, making no sexual demands of her that night.
Or ever, as long as HE is alive.
Where the first night is spent at a hotel or on the train,
Check the bar car. He’s probably in there. If he’s not there, check the other sleeping compartments several times an hour throughout the night. Your bride will appreciate your caution and consideration.
the bridegroom should excuse himself while the bride retires.
Check the bar car again, and give the luggage in the baggage compartment a good poking.
On returning to her, before he retires, he should give her the assurances mentioned above. The exercise of self-control, the courtesies and attentions of a true gentleman, and the expressions of ardent love
Such as the mystery object that keeps poking her in the thigh. “As God is my witness, Vivian, I haven’t the slightest. Perhaps if you were move your leg rapidly about, it might go away.”
will intensify the respect and deepen the love of the young wife for her husband a hundred fold.
Or confuse the hell out of her. Either way, you now have the upper hand. Get the dog collar and riding boots.
Next: Facts a Young Husband Should Know Aside from the crackers, the socks, and the ten minute thing.
More advice from the learned professor on how how a confused teen can grow into his New Perfect Manhood.
Determining Virtue before Marriage
Whether a young man has kept his virtue or not,
Either way, it doesn’t matter. He’s gonna claim “not”.
if he has any sense of responsibility left, he is at least selfishly concerned about the virtue of the woman he expects to marry.
Because you don’t want to spend your hard earned cash on someone else’s bastards
Unfortunately, some young men have been so trained that they believe they are justified, during courtship, in engaging in exciting familiarities
Prudence, may I addess you as Pru?
to determine whether or not their sweethearts would be willing to yield.
Sweethearts unwilling to yield are the leading cause of accidents at on-ramps, so be careful of letting those that pass the tests drive.
Such tests are cruel, unjustifiable and positively ungentlemanly. Only men who are densely ignorant or low in their ideals will stoop to such methods.
They’ll be the ones with the gleam in their eye and the spring in their step.
Purity, in either men or women, is expressed in the look of the eye, features, tone of conversation, deportment and the company one keeps.
Since we’re the company you keep, you’re screwed.
These are the criterions by which one may judge of the virtue of another. One sex has as much right to demand virtue in a lover as the other has.
And if i’m more interested in demanding vice?
It is just as right that a young man should make a confession of wrong as it is for a woman. Where a woman has made a mistake in her past life, she is just as capable of a true reformation and living virtuously in the future and making a true wife as is a man capable of taking the corresponding steps in life.
That is, not at all.
When men as sacredly keep their virtue in single life as women are now expected to do, all respectable young people, men as well as women, will meet at the marriage alter equally pure.
I’d say most people meet at the altar equally pure nowdays, even if they didn’t quite travel in the steps above to get there, and there’s a whole more action our way.
Coming Soon: The First Night of Marriage, Facts a Young Husband Should Know(or Deep Throat was a myth), and Proof of Virginity after the Consumation of Marriage(How she could tell you were a virgin)
More of The New Perfect Manhood, unexpurgated because there was nothing to expurgate.
A Mutual Understanding in Matters of Sex
If you have one of these now, you won’t after you’re married.
We are often asked by young men: “To what extent may young people, who are engaged or who are contemplating marriage, talk over their future sex relations”?
These young men are serial masturbators, and are reported by us to the constabulary.
We have a natural modesty and nearly all of us have a superabundance of mock modesty.
Then explain the codpiece, Einstein.
The latter keeps one from understanding himself and his natural and safe social relations with his life companion, his children and society. Natural modesty should be studiously and conscientiously cultivated by children, youths, friends, lovers and all married people, from the cradle to the grave.
Hence the modern “modesty state” decried by Democrats nationwide.
True culture, genuine chastity and great character demand such cultivation. The principles of a single standard of morals, of personal and social purity as an element of character and social righteousness may be discussed freely by all intelligent young people.
Such a standard is widely discussed among the young intelligentsia of the modern age, albeit in code not accessible to the older generation. It is generally referred to as “warez.”. “Phear my l33t skillz biznatch.” should be understood as an endorsement of the Hegelian position that the Idea is one in all things; it is universal necessity and reality can be nothing but a mirror of the Idea. As such, there is single standard of morals that can be perceived via a close study of reality.
Only the most extreme mock modesty, idiotic prudery or a sense of personal guilt would taboo these subjects.
So, the in-depth discussion on the best way to light your farts is a go.
A discussion of the delicate and sacred sanctuaries of male and female reproduction or their functions, by young men and women, engaged or unengaged, involves natural modesty and sacred ethical rights.
We hold these rights to be self-evident, so we’re not going to tell you what they are.
In such discussions by the engaged there are grave dangers of shocking natural modesty and invading personal ethical rights, by making these delicate subjects too common.
So, when she says “For the last time Edgar, I do not wish to further discuss the smearing of your man-seed upon my voluptuous globes of heaving passion!” it is best to take her at her word.
Such privileges do not belong to the unengaged, unless they are seriously contemplating an engagement.
Lie to get by, my man. Lie to get by.
What they may discuss
There are some vital matters about which engaged young people should have and mutual understanding.
The most important of these, and I cannot stress this enough, is your intended’s position on the gift of oral pleasure.
The best time for them to discuss these matters would be when they first consider the question of an engagement. There is a natural interest on the part of each to know whether the other is physically normal so that he or she will be able to meet all the requirements of a life companion and of parenthood.
Candid photography is helpful here. Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.
It would be a splendid custom for each to present to the other a certificate from a reputable physician, giving assurance of health and normal conditions sexually. Until this becomes customary or a law,
In the Bush police state (pun not only intended but giggled over incessantly)
a young man should have the privilege of saying to his sweetheart: ?So far as I know there is nothing connected to with my physical being that will interfere with my performing the functions of a husband and father.
I refuse to look down there, however, as this might sully my purity of spirit. Could you take a quick glance?
Are you aware of any hindrance of a physical nature which would interfere with you performing the corresponding functions of a wife and mother?
This is an excellent time to introduce the muslim concept of “follow and swallow.”
If there are difficulties,
Lie! Lie through your teeth! or Run! Run like the wind!
then there is reason for discussing them. If none, this subject should be considered settled. If a young woman knows that for some reason she is sterile, or that motherhood would be very unwise, she should not encourage love making by a gentleman friend.
Strangers in alleyways are an entirely different matter.
If a young man has reasonable grounds for believing that his sweetheart has a secret purpose to deliberately avoid all maternal responsibilities of married life,
such as “she is breathing.”
he has a right to inform her that his ideal home is one consisting of a father and a mother and a reasonable number of children.
Reasonable being thirteen. Don’t settle for one less.
She should state whether she is willing to aid him in building such an ideal home.
Surprisingly, many will not. These women are frigid.
The young man should assure his fianc?e that he is not asking her to become his wife for selfish gratification;
Assure your intended that Giselle at Madam Tournay’s takes care of that admirably thrice a week.
that it is his purpose to make her an intelligent husband
out of clay and a magic elixir handed down to him from his ancestors
and to develop and maintain a self-control that will protect her natural rights; and that he will respect her invitation in the consumation of marriage and all subsequent marital privileges.
cf Giselle
If either has forfeited virtue in the past, without its involving parenthood, and virtue has been restored by right living,
or in her case, surgery,
one is under no more obligation to make a confession than is the other.
Men should skip this entirely, as it always sounds like braggadocio, rather than lament.
In the event of such a misfortune in earlier life, we would advise lifetime secrecy.
Tell her you caught it from a public toilet seat. Remember, protect Giselle at all costs!
Where the fall has involved parenthood, a confession should be made.
More than one confession is again considered braggadocio.
Unmarried parenthood involves personal responsibilities to those who have been wronged that takes precedence over the new obligations to be assumed in a future marriage.
Unless you have money.
It is only a question of a few more years when every state will have a law providing that every unmarried mother must care for her own child, and that every child born out of wedlock must be legitimized by its father. The unmarried mother must be married to the father of her child, or she must become his honorably divorced wife, receiving a just alimony. If he refuses marriage, he will be required to give a heavy bond, as a guarantee to the state that he will meet his monthly obligations to his divorced wife and that he will support his child and make it his legal heir. The fact that we now have no such law does not relieve the guilty of one iota of his or her obligations.
It just makes them impossible to enforce.
Next: Determining Virtue before Marriage. No, it doesn’t involve a team of sherpas and a speculum. I wish you people would stop asking about it. I’ll get there, I’ll get there!
It just struck me though that in all likelihood, I’ve got a really odd sense of humor. I giggled all the way through this book. That’s now, of course, not when I first read it. So if ya’ll don’t like it, well, I guess I’ll beg for you to return after we get back from the beach. Of course, if it’s a hit, then I’ve got something on the order of 1000 posts stored up.
More New Perfect Manhood
Social Privileges
Young people should have an abundance of safe and sane social rituals.
Preferably designed by their grandparents. Barrel hoop, anyone?
They should be faithful to their trusts and responsibilities.
Thrifty, brave, clean, reverent.
When an aspirant for office requests the voters of a town, city, county or state to support his candidacy for the office of treasurer, he is asking the voters to entrust the safe keeping of the public funds into his hands. The temptation to misuse these funds is so great that the law requires the successful candidate to furnish adequate bond.
Pity we don’t require that of every aspirant. “Sure, you can be a Senator, but you have to put your entire personal fortune into a bond. At the end of your term, the voters will decide how much of it you get back.”
When a young man is admitted to the privilege and honor of calling on a young woman in her parlor,
Spider. Fly.
taking her out walking or driving, to hear a lecture
Would you like to go hear a lecture, you naughty, naughty girl?
or to a place of entertainment, he assumes the responsibility of protecting the girl?s honor and virtue with which he is entrusted by her parents. His social privileges are limited to the absolute protection of the girl.
Stand absolutely still, Vivian. I saw a nipple spider go into your dress, and I owe it to your parents to go in after it.
For him to go beyond these limits would be a social crime against the girl and her parents–a far greater crime than for a treasurer to misappropriate the public funds.
Which of course is no crime at all.
Unengaged young people, under no conditions, should engage in hugging and kissing.
Ever. Parents should touch them only to discipline them, lest they learn of the wicked, wicked pleasure that is human contact.
Even in the engaged state these social relations are not necessary for expressing love between lovers and they are not essential to blissful courtship.
The ideal courtship is one in which the couple never meets. Indeed it is also the basis for a blissful marriage.
When young people are engaged, and the date of engagement is fixed and not far off, an occasional good-bye kiss could be safely exchanged without the ill effects of spooning.
No tongue! No tongue!
Long Engagements
Long engagements are seldom necessary and rarely advisable.
People in 1916 tended to explode from frustration, for one thing. In the 363rd day of a year’s engagement, grooms were apt to go off at a touch.
A young man should not be in a hurry to choose a life companion.
We feed on his agony. Oh, it is delicious.
The first chance is rarely the best one.
Um, if she’s not the best one, can I, you know?
He should not confine his attentions to one girl so long as he is not seriously in love. He should carefully study his young woman friends and their families.
Follow them home from a distance at night, ducking into shrubberies as necessary. Women love men with a furtive nature.
He should respect the rights of his children by choosing for them a good mother.
Unless they are already mothers. Then he should shun them in public and spoon with them in private. mmmmmmmmm………spoon.
No young man should trifle with his affections or the affections of a girl.
A. Trifling with your affections makes you blind. B. Not unless you see a clitoris spider.
Every engagement should be followed by a marriage.
Even when she dies halfway through. You want to get laid or not, young man?
When once engaged, he should remember that there are privileges that are not his until the legal phase of marriage has completed their oneness. Any violation of chastity before marriage is a sin against society, weakens self-respect, causes a loss of confidence in each other,
leads to embarrassing stains on the ottoman,
and often leads to domestic inharmony and the divorce court.
Tommorrow in the unending saga of how my perversions came to be: A Mutual Understanding in Matters of Sex.
More from the 1916 male sexuality book that gave me my New Perfect Manhood.
Why Do Young People Fail?
A few feeble-minded girls and boys fail because of their inability to appreciate the significance of a fallen condition and for lack of resisting power.
Most of them major in Art.
This class is very small compared to the mentally normal fallen class. Others say, “Girls fail because of the low wages they receive.”
Which is why we keep that glass ceiling there.
Here is a young woman. Her clothing is threadbare. She has had nothing to eat for twenty-four hours. She is without a dollar. She does not know where she is to get financial relief.
Must be a blogger
She has moral conviction and character.
Hmmm. Probably not, then
A man of millions offers her fifty thousand dollars for sexual favors.
Now you know where Bob gets his movie ideas.
Will she surrender her virtue? She will scream, scratch, struggle, dies before she will voluntarily surrender.
Here is a pure young man. He has moral convictions and character.
Well, we could certainly do with less of that.
An attractively dressed, fashionable demimondaine makes him a proposition for sexual intercourse.
I don’t know about him, but I’m not sleeping with anything less than a full mondaine.
Will he surrender?
Is he French?
Not any more than the aforementioned young woman. If the young millionaire should court her, win her confidence and love, spoon with her, then she would be in great danger of falling.
Now that we’ve spooned, would you like to fork?
If the young man should follow the same course,
Spoon with a young millionaire?
he would probably fall.
Might as well take the 50K, then.
Not one young woman in fifty, who fall after they are sixteen, would have fallen if they had exacted the social laws of “hands off” and “unkissed lips.”
Just like Pretty Woman!
If young men were educated to keep themselves pure and to respect those same social laws, not one in fifty who fall would do so. Sexual excitement always precedes a voluntary fall.
Remember son, sexual excitement precedes a voluntary fall, but alcohol precedes sexual excitement.
The intelligent, thoughtful, kind, and affectionate husband indulges in kissing, embracing and caressing his wife before engaging in the sexual embrace. Not to do so would be legalized rape under
