1.) Pick up the phone.
2.) Discover the phone has no signal because you’re in the middle of nowhere.
3.) Leave the phone to automatically search for a network.
4.) Come back hours later to find that the phone has been searching for a network the entire time, draining the battery to lifelessness.
5.) Search through your luggage to find your phone charger. Realize your phone charger is on the counter by the door, seven hours away, where you set it in order that you wouldn’t forget it. Again.
6.) Grab the phone and your keys and head to the car because at least you have your travel charger and can drive around town to charge your phone.
7.) Start the car, plug in the phone and drive anywhere. You’re only out to charge the phone anyway. Why don’t you take in some Christmas lights?
8a.) Drive into an area with network coverage. Slow down (don’t stop) to read and reply to all the text messages that flood in to your previously dead phone.
8b.) Remember that you coasted into town on fumes the day before because you were too stubborn to stop and fill up.
9.) Drive around until you can find a gas station that’s open on Christmas day, praying you don’t run out of gas.
10.) You’re in luck. There’s a gas station open. Stop and fill up. Listen to the four voice mails that came in while your phone was dead.
11.) Retrieve the international phone number you wish to dial from the back of the Cracker Barrel receipt upon which you wrote it down.
12.) Dial.
13.) Wait.
14.) Hmm. This doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe you’re supposed to dial something else? There just don’t seem to be enough numbers here.
15.) Hang up and decide to return home to look up instructions for making an international call on the internet.
16. ) Drive around a little more just to make sure the battery is charged.
17.) Arrive home, pick up laptop and begin to search.
18.) Deal with emails, check the blog and read the news article that catches your eye.
19.) Have the battery on the laptop die before you can accomplish your mission. What’s up with all the damned dying batteries? When is someone going to fix the whole battery problem already?
20.) Retrieve the other laptop from the car. Discover it’s battery is also dying.
21.) Go back to the car for the power cables for both laptops. Wonder why you decided to bring two laptops with you in the first place.
22.) Choose between the lamp and the Christmas tree.
23.) Unplug the lamp because, well, it’s Christmas.
24.) Plug in the laptop. Resume progress.
25.) Lose wireless internet connection intermittently. This happened last night too. Hmmm.
26.) Move to another location, one closer to the wireless router. Continue to lose internet connection with regularity.
27.) Grumble about the damned wireless router. Stupid piece of crap. Why don’t these things work the way they are supposed to do?
28.) Turn on the desktop and check the router settings. Realize you could just look up the information you need while seated at the desktop but now it’s a matter of principle, dammit.
29.) Visit the router manufacturer’s website. Download the latest firmware.
30.) Upgrade the router’s firmware.
31.) Return to laptop #2 and type “how to make an international call” into your search engine of choice.
32.) Pick up the phone. Read and respond to the four text messages your find waiting. At least there appears to be some kind of network coverage.
33.) Dial 011 followed by the international number from the back of the Cracker Barrel receipt.
34.) Curse loudly and vociferously as the screen goes dark. The battery is dead. Again.
35.) Return to step 6 and repeat.
