Archive for May 16th, 2007

In the end, everyone gets the God they deserve. Would that we could witness Fred Phelps meeting his.

He rang the doorbell. It was winter, and with his thick gloves he could barely feel the button.

No answer.

He waited. A cat, caught like him on this cold night outside, walked along the porch rail. Toward him.

He watched it.

In the street behind them a solitary car passed. Like urban sleigh bells, the chains on its tires chimed rhythmic into the pounded street snow.

No one was home. The cat. Was rubbing against his leg.

He set the candy down and picked it up. It purred. And purred more when he tucked it under his warm arm. Like a football. Against his thick coat.

He could see into its eyes. Up close. He liked it that way.

When he wrapped his thick fingers round its tiny neck…

Pinning its legs against his side, he slowly squeezed, watching the eyes widen in alarm. Feeling it push against him. Desperately struggle. For a long time struggle.

Watching.

The lids droop slowly down. The light pass from the eyes.

He let go. Another car rattled metal links by in the snow.

Watching the light return. The animal terror that followed. Flooding the look in those helpless eyes. It pierced his soul.

A shock wave of remorse flamed hot. In all his cells he could feel it.

Guilt.

Or was it love. Yes, warm love for this tiny being.

But…

I want to do it. Again. Now.

Yes, I want to know what it’s like once more.

He squeezed the cat’s thin neck. And when it has succumbed, he felt the same pity again warm flooding him.

And only horror at himself. As he did it once more.

And when it was over he…

But this time the cat mustered the last of its tiny animal ferocity and writhed free.

He felt…watching it streak away…he felt jarred awake somehow…as it ran from him…yes, he was awake now…

And terrified

Had anyone seen him? Would they know?

In a panic he ran

Home to his father’s house…

It’s a two hour read, and one of the most horrifyingly sad things I’ve ever come across.

Found this year’s Christmas presents.

Don’t let the threat of Carbon Credits get you down – take action! Right now you can purchase a Carbon Debit to help offset this insidious danger. With every Carbon Debit purchase we will:

* Kill (Shred) 1 Living Tree (see pictures of this being done)
* Send an email to Al Gore about your civic mindedness in buying Carbon Debits.
* Send an email to you certifying you are doing your part to save the Earth from Carbon Credits.

Making a carbon debit is a delicate matter taking both skill and time. Our carbon debiting process starts with our FECON spinning shredder and a driver who has vendetta against trees. Add any tree and about 20 seconds and a carbon debit is born!

Do We Really Kill Trees?
The short answer is “Yes”. We run a burgeoning business of clearing trees from grasslands so the Antelope won’t be scared. As silly as that previous sentence sounds it is the truth. So, you can have a clear conscience that you removed a terror inducing tree in an effort to improve the antelope state of mind – which makes them better targets during hunting season.

There goes my credit rating. (via dustbury)

A list of converts.

Geophysicist Dr. Claude Allegre
Geologist Bruno Wiskel
Astrophysicist Dr. Nir Shaviv
Mathematician & engineer Dr. David Evans
Climate researcher Dr. Tad Murty
Botanist Dr. David Bellamy
Climate scientist Dr. Chris de Freitas
Meteorologist Dr. Reid Bryson
Global warming author and economist Hans H.J. Labohm
Paleoclimatologist Tim Patterson
Physicist Dr. Zbigniew Jaworowski
Paleoclimatologist Dr. Ian D. Clark
Environmental geochemist Dr. Jan Veizer

Ocular Syphilis is on the rise in Australia.

Well, I’ve gotten the Unfortunate Mental Image Of The Day out of the way.

Finally, an accurate media depiction of the post-CCD beehive, or at least one that jibes with what was described to me.

Unlike the great bee die-offs of the past, when mites or other deadly pathogens left mounds of bee corpses lying by the hives, in the newest crisis there are as yet no bee bodies to forensically explore. The bees are simply flying off by the billions as though into the void. When beekeepers check affected nests, the combs are filled with pollen and honey, but there is almost nobody home: the workers have largely vanished, leaving the queen in an unnatural state of quiet near-solitude, helpless on her own.

“Billions” sounds like a bit much, but it seems to be within the realm of possibility. Estimates had the number of honeybee colonies in the US at 2.9 million in 2000. Given an average population of 30 to 60 thousand per hive, that’s, um….carry the one….a crapload.

Aegyptopithecus zeuxis, the pinhead ape. (lvMW).

Based on earlier finds, scientists had theorised the species had a relatively large brain.

Instead, it had a brain that might have been even smaller than that of a modern lemur, a primate with primitive traits.

Obviously, Aegyptopithecus zeuxis is one of the earlier members of the line that culminates in Indonesia’s Orang Pendek.

He sings the praises of the jukebox electric.

While others listen to music on an iPod, there’s nothing like a jukebox. And most of the people who have seen and heard the big beauty understand why. A jukebox is something you love forever; an iPod is something you’ll discard some day.

I don’t buy it. Sure, they’re pretty, but jukeboxes are valuable only as architecture. Content-wise it’s like singing the praises of your VHS recorder. “Movies were meant to be watched on tape! The medium is the message, and the message is that God wants you to have finger cramps from fast forwarding through the 10 minutes of ads to get to the feature presentation!”

It’s like being told that music was meant to be heard on vinyl. Spare me your codgerous enthusiams.

froggerAt one point in my bachelor life I had a full-size arcade-style Frogger in the kitchen. Cost me $120 bucks. It was interesting to look at, quite the conversation piece, and dusty as hell, because everyone preferred the Super Nintendo in the living room, which did a lot more than the single-use behemoth beside the trash can.

Ipods are to jukeboxes as the Super NES was to that Frogger. Smaller, nimbler, and gigantic where it matters–on the inside.

However, if there’s some space in your gigantic domicile where the feng shui absolutely demands a jukebox, get this one.