Made pecan pies for Thanksgiving dessert–for which Mom paid me the compliment of “Best ever,” after which she began dunning me for the recipe. As I’m home for the third day in a row thanks to Scotty M. catching my flu, I have time to post it.
Bigwig’s Pecan Pie
First, preheat the oven. 375 is good.
You’ll need:
A nine inch pie crust.
3 eggs. The bigger, the better. If God wanted you to cook with small eggs, you would be reading some other recipe. Also, the extra cholesterol adds the needed fillip of danger that all truly great desserts rely on.
1 cup sugar. Pure white, refined, sugar. See note on danger, above.
1 cup light Karo corn syrup. Note that by “light” I mean “color,” not “calories.” Should such a travesty of a item exist, it would in any case be used only by Food Commies and metrosexuals. You can also use dark corn syrup, if you prefer, or some other brand than Karo, though if another brand indeed exists, I must be physically incapable of seeing it on the shelves.
5 tablespoons melted butter. Not margarine. Not “I Can’t Believe It’s a Thick Yellow Paste” Touch not a spread of any sort. Butter.
Single teaspoon vanilla extract. Again, use the real stuff. Fake vanilla extract is good only for handing out to the street people begging on the corners.
1/2 teaspoon salt. I use Lot’s Wife*, which I found a bagful of on E-bay for cheap, but Morton’s will probably work as well.
Mix all of the above together.
Now you’ll need 2 cups of chopped pecans. I use wit to chop up my pecans. No, it doesn’t take as long as you might think. You may need a knife or other kitchen implement.
Once chopped, toast your nuts in the oven for 9 minutes.Huh-huh, huh-huh Remove them, put in the pie crust into the oven, and leave it there until it is hot to the touch. If possible, have someone else determine this, as it will be funny if they burn their finger doing so. If they’re also drunk, so much the better.
Add the chopped pecans to the egg/sugar/vanilla/Karo/butter/salt mixture. Pour into the hot pie crust, ignoring the drunken complaints of the burn victim in the corner. If you like, put the pie on a cookie sheet before returning it to the oven, so if if bubbles over during baking, the leakage will adhere to the cookie sheet rather than the floor of the oven.
Bake for 40 to 45 to maybe 50 minutes. What you want is a pie where the edges are solid, yet the center seems set but quivery, like jello or a breast implant. If so, then remove the pie, set it on a wire rack and cool for an hour and a half.
You’re welcome.
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*Oddly enough, it was not kosher.
