Headed out with a lady friend last night to catch dinner and a movie. She’d mentioned that she liked horror movies, so I thought we might go see “Wolf Creek“.
I hadn’t seen any previews or really read any reviews, but I think I had heard previously that it was pretty scary, which was my sole criterion for selecting the movie. My other choice would’ve been to go see “Hostel“, but I heard that it was pretty much just a gore flick and wasn’t really that frightening.
Before I get too far into this review, let me just tell everyone to stay away. The movie is God-awful. Evidently Greg McLean, the director, thought remaking “The Texas Chain-Saw Massacre” with Australians instead of Americans and all the cinematic excellence of “The Blair Witch Project” would be enough to provide a good scare. Note to Greg: it’s not.
The story, such at it is, is this: three young-adults set off on an excursion to cross the Australian Outback in a car that you just know is going to die or leave them stranded. At a gas station in the middle of the desert, they meet the requisite harassing locals before heading out in to no-man’s land. They go see the and the car, as you knew it would, breaks down.
In real life, being stuck in the Outback without a vehicle would probably mean that you’d die a slow death. Not in this movie. The father from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I mean, a friendly local who just happens to drive a tow truck shows up after only a few hours and offers to fix their car so they can be on their merry way.
The director practically beats you over the head with the fact that this guy is a crazed rapist and murderer from the very moment he shows up. Actually, the whole plot is so telegraphed that you never feel any sort of suspense. Even the first hacker-slasher rape scene, which comes after an hour and ten minutes of incredibly slow, plodding non-plot or character developing “action”, is ho-hum and predictable. It’s so offensively bad and formulaic that you’ll be tempted to leave the theater at this point.
I know. Because we were. And we did.
I have no idea how the movie turned out, and I have no desire to know. It was a waste of time and money. The only redeeming factor was the previews we got to see. Looks like several more horror remakes are in the works, a few of which look interesting. I might be persuaded to see “The Hills Have Eyes, the remake of the 1977 cult-classic of the same name. “When a Stranger Calls“, a remake of another movie that I can’t seem to bring to mind (and can’t be bothered to find), looks like a miss, however.
The best preview of the evening was for “Pulse. The trailer gave my friend and me chills. It was eerily reminiscent of “The Ring“. It promises to be very creepy.
Overall, I give “Wolf Creek” no seagulls. (My namesake, Kehaar from “Watership Down”, is a Russian seagull. I’m toying with a number of seagulls as my rating scale. What do you guys think?) No seagulls means don’t go see it, don’t buy it on DVD, don’t rent it through Netflix, don’t download it from the Internet, even for free, and do everything you can actively do to prevent your friends and loved ones from doing the same. It’s that bad.
Hopefully you’ll find more reviews from Kehaar in this space in the future. God knows the site could use some fresh content. Be sure to come back often and check it out.
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