Sainted Wife found this in her inbox yesterday, courtesy of one of the Maenads
Inside the Beltline Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Cameron Village. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Can be seen drinking at Fluid, Churchill?s, Fosters, April and George’s or the Rockford (but only ! since it?s been featured in InStyle magazine) but never eats. Loves Dave Matthews. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Lawyer or Boring but I attended Woodberry Forest Financial Guy Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version. Very close cousins to Brier Creek/Wakefield Barbie.
Cary Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit, or optional Holiday Sweater. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation other than her book club and her intense interest in school board meetings and the F&R percentage of her children’s elementary school. Traffic-jamming cell phone included. Headset sold separately. Also available in the only slightly less vapid North Raleigh Barbie, or with “I get no sex anymore and work at IBM/SAS” Ken.
Clayton Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans, two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Her eyes are set particularly close together. North Hills/North Ridge Barbie This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the beach house. On her second marriage to slightly older Ken. Loves Celine Dion. Percocet prescription available.
Garner Barbie - This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Gilroy Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
Chapel Hill/Carrboro Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long, straight, brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but! If you purchase two Carrboro Barbie’s and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a coupon for a free wheat-grass smoothie at any Whole Food’s Market.
Hayes Barton Barbie - She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know who Ken is because he’s always away working.
There’s no Durham Barbie, probably because an accurate description of what the rest of the Triangle thinks a Durham Barbie should look like would be racist. It would almost certainly involve a Forty, gang colors, guns and welfare rather than Duke and The Durham Bulls.
I went looking for the original source, but it’s an impossible task, as the email is just an altered version of other regional Barbie descriptions. I found versions for Phoenix, Oklahoma City, Oregon, Colorado, Southern California, Baltimore, Tennessee, Omaha, Dallas Fort Worth, Cleveland, Upstate New York, Boston and Minneapolis-St Paul.
If there’s an original version online, I suspect it is the San Diego Barbies, if only because someone went to the trouble of putting them into a PowerPoint presentation.
