Message of the Day, 8/29/2003
Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:
Blessings be upon you, oh imams of the faithful, and also upon the delicately oiled fingers and toes you pleasure the goats with. May they never lose their sheen!
My name is Haminahaminahaminahamadi, and I am wish to inform you today that the Great and Powerful Allah has libeled the whories of paradise, 72 of whom await every jihadi possessing the bare amount of stones needed to kill a heretic child of the blaphemous west.
A small child, perhaps a toddler, who is not only deaf but looking the other way. Or a blind one. Yea, verily, a deaf and blind child, perhaps with less than the requisite number of limbs, would truly be the best way for most of us to lawyer our way into the fleshpots of paradise.
But that’s not the point.
The point is that Allah, great is his belly and small is his penis, for were we not created in his image? has promised that the killers of even helpless babes will be rewarded in the afterlife with unending chants of “Hey, jihadi! Me love you long time! Boom-Boom!”
But what am I to think when The Great and Powerful Allah, may his curtain never be lifted, himself here refers to the whories as plushies! This cannot be, for is it not written on the pages of the Koran that the virgins of paradise are possessed of a sleek coat of smooth and silky fur, much like that of Omaha the Cat dancer?
I know this because I penned those very words on the pages of my Koran over a week ago, and Allah has not removed them. Why then would he do the shahid the grave disservice of promising plushies when all his followers favor furries?
I can only conclude that, due to the recent overwhelming losses suffered by my jihadi brethen in ….well, everywhere, that paradise is suffering from a whori shortage, and that the Great and Powerful Allah, may we all one day ride in his magic ballon, is attempting to discourage further actions among the shahid until such a time as come that the whori population of paradise is returned to a more normal level.
This is indeed heartbreaking news to the average jihadi, as it was only in paradise that they could reasonably expect to rid themselves of the burden of their virginity. Must we content ourselves with the birds of the air, the beasts of the field and Al-Qaeda’s greased wrestling events until such a time has come?
I say to you, NO! For Allah has given me the knowledge needed to end the whori shortage. Many of us have extra sisters, mothers and daughters cluttering up the house, hogging the remote controls and shrieking incessantly about one’s cat harnesses. Why not kill them? I am sure that Allah will receive them with all due honors, restitching all broken hymens with the finest 2/0 silk and covering all with coats of the sleekest fur!
In fact, I am writing this down in my Koran right now. Come tomorrow, if the words are still there, I shall know what to do.
May I one day greet you on the other side, with static electricity in my hair and fur in my teeth.
Haminahaminahaminahamadi – Minister of Saudi Culture.
If you’d like to participate in the culture jamming of the Mutaween, a handy list of names to use can be found here. Directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here.
A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.