Message of the Day, 7/1/2003
Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:
From: Eliazar Bin Abadboi
Sin: Western Behavior
Greetings to you, O Iron Fists of Allah! May your wrists never grow limp and langorous, as was inevitable with the imams who came before you.
My name is Eliazar Bin Abadboi and I write to you concerning my neighbor, Mustapha Ali, who is engaging in the most horrible of Western habits. I would hesitate to bring this matter before you, but I can ignore his sinful behavior no longer, as it has begun to affect not only his household, but my own, shaming me in the eyes of my male relatives.
Why, just yesterday, whilst I was engaged in ascertaining the exact quantity and quality of sin portrayed in the latest episode of Queer As Folk, my junior wife had the temerity to broach an opinion on the subject of Hunter’s mother and her fitness to raise him. As Ben and Michael are clearly the better parents, I was forced to remonstate with her for some few minutes, using the length of birch thoughtfully provided to me by the blessed imam Sheikh Saleh bin Abdul Aziz bin Muhammad bin Ibrahim Al Al-Sheikh for free with my purchase of his new video “The Wahabi Way of Marriage, Volume the First: How Not To Leave a Bruise.”
As I was exercising the blessed imam’s birch, Sedonia…..Sabrina….Shanti? It matters not what her name is, she is but a woman and a wife and thus less important to men such as you and I as the toejam of Allah, may we we dine upon it spread upon the biscuits of Paradise in the life after each morning for all eternity.
What matters is that while I corrected her, she turned a tear-stained face towards me and said “Mustapha Ali does not beat his wives!”
So great was my horror and shock that I fell upon the cushions in a swoon. I awoke to find my junior wife nowhere in sight, my robes lying in a clump on the floor, and the shattered and torn birch of the blessed Imam inserted into the most shameful of places.
For this, I blame Mustapha Ali. The behavior of my wife, who has fled the house in the company of the most strapping of my Filipino manservants, and the splinters in my…..area, I lay at his door. He is obviously a devotee of the Western anathema that teaches of the inherent worth of wives and daughters as persons instead of the vessels of a man’s seed, may it spring forth anew each morning without hitting his face. His wives expect equality and respect, which I know will enrage you as much as it has pained me. I beg of you to end his madness, lest the self respect and confidence of the females of his house spread and infect all the houses of the land.
I thank you for your time. Please let the imam know that his wood is insufficient in the areas of stiffness and thickness when it comes to keeping a wife satisfied with her place, and that I shall not be petitioning him for a replacement.
If you’d like to participate in the culture jamming of the Mutaween, a handy list of names to use can be found here. Directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here.
A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.