Message of the Day, 6/23/2203
Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:
From: Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy
Greetings to you, imams of the bathroom and guardians against children’s toys.
The calumny of Muhammad bin Ali Al-Fayez is the blackest of libels, and his own words brand him apostate. For myself I do not care, I have survived his slings and arrows before, and no doubt shall again.
It is the body of the faithful that I care for, as I know you do as well. Did not the Prophet, peace be upon him, teach that all should wash their organs after urination and also to employ extreme care in saving our bodies from being soiled with even a drop of urine?
Al-Fayez may be content to flick, twist and dance about in an attempt to avoid his ablutions, but I have been vouchsafed a vision from Allah, one that came to me whilst I was contemplating the Dr Iyad bin Ameen Madani’s justly famous collection of urinal cakes. I know of a better way, for the knowledge was given to me by the Prophet himself.
It came upon me while I was examining the most famous of Madani’s wax cakes, the one bearing the toothmarks of Nasser himself, when a great blackness came upon me, and I fell into the display case, and insensibility.
When the darkness departed from me, it seemed that I was walking in a fresh garden, the air of which was gently scented with the odors of lemons, cherries, and many other fruits besides. Surely this was Paradise itself, for it was full of houris, though they lacked male companionship. I was greatly content, for the houris in the absence of the jihadis promised them did embrace each other most affectionately, and I gazed in wonder at their revels.
At length I became aware of a presence beside me, of a man with a pleasant mien who stood and gazed also at the writhing of the houris. At length he spoke, asking me if the spectacle before us pleased me.
He gazed sadly at the ground when I assured him that I did, and said to me that the unfortunate houris were doomed to girl upon girl action for the rest of eternity, for all of the Ummah had been made unclean by urine.
This distressed me greatly, for since I was a small child I had taken great care in my ablutions, sometimes cleaning myself for hours at a time afterwards, using only the warmest of waters and the smoothest of hand creams, actions which I described at length to the man. He assured me that such practices were prevalent throughout all my country, with many of the Al-Saud family surpassing even myself in their frenzied cleansing efforts.
“I say unto to you that although the outside of the body is surely immaculate, ” said he, “it is still but half of that which must be made clean.”
When I awoke from vision, the odors of the garden seemed to swirl around me, but the man and the houris were nowhere to be seen. As I lay on the cold tile of the Madani’s display room I pondered the words of the Prophet, for now that he was departed recognition had come upon me.
Truly I say to you, illiterate shepherds of the faithful, that the knowledge I gained in that hour has driven me ever since. If the ablutions covering the outside of the body are not enough to gain paradise, then surely the inside of the body must also be washed clean of urine!
For many months I labored, trying in vain to perform the Ablutions of the Inside that the Prophet had gifted me with the knowledge of. Many were the small brushes and cotton swabs I tried and discarded as either too large in diameter or too short in length until finally I hit upon the method I use now, one integral to the Internal Urine Removal System, a two foot length of small plastic IV hosing.
The hose is inserted after urination up to the level of the bladder and attached to a small bag of bleach water, which is then squeezed until the mixture bathes the inside of the bladder’s walls with a gentle cleansing action, a sensation pleasing on both a physical and religious level. The bleach water is then voided in the same manner as is urine, but removes all traces of that substance from its path.
I have become proficient enough in this action that if aided by small amount of petroleum jelly my ablutions take less than five minutes, as I demonstrated to a greatly interested Sheikh Saleh bin Abdul Aziz bin Muhammad bin Ibrahim Al Al-Sheikh in his chambers just this morning.
You will be happy to know that not only did the esteemed Sheikh order a cleansing system for every member of his house, he has instructed me to supply you each with one, as well as personally instructing you in its usage.
I look forward to seeing all of you in Paradise in the future to come, and in the bathroom of the Grand Mosque tomorrow morning.
–Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy
If you’d like to participate in the culture jamming of the Mutaween, a handy list of names to use can be found here. Directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here.
A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.