Message Of The Day, 6/20/2003
Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:
From: Dr Muhammad bin Ali Al-Fayez
To those who disturb the sleep of the innocent in the middle of the night with your catch basins and sanitary napkins, poking and prodding into places even the Prophet Himself would fear to tread without permissions asked and granted, waking my Filipinos and molesting the vegetables, I can only say this.
The accusations of Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy are nothing more than the most infamous type of canard, believable only to small children and the weak of mind. As there were no small children in the group of gibbering, swab wielding fanatics ensconced in my water closet for nearly all of the past night, I can only conclude that many a Saudi village has been deprived of its idiot in order that the ranks of the Mutaween may be swelled.
Tell me, O revered imams, what exactly does Sheikh Saleh bin Abdul Aziz bin Muhammad bin Ibrahim Al Al-Sheikh think that he may learn from the nearly three pounds of grout that he personally removed from the lavatory of my Filipina cook in a Zip-Lock baggie? Whatever it may be, I can certainly tell you that he was going about learning such information in an incorrect manner, unless covering one’s face with the contents of said baggie and inhaling deeply is the latest in Mutaween sin-fighting technique.
Luzviminda has been randomly breaking out in the most heart-rending sobs ever since, and declares that she will not step foot into the facility unless all within is removed, replaced, and the entire room boiled.
Tell me, ass-tards of Allah, how does one boil a room?
This invasion of my home is inexcusable, and I am not just saying this because you interrupted King Fahd’s Scotch tasting. The obsession Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy has with urine has been known to all since he was a small child chasing dogs down the street, beaker in hand and tent in pants. To enter the house of a Minister of the Government on his unsupported word is the worst kind of idiocy, comparable only to the incalculable stupidity that is his Internal Urine Removal System, the patent applications of which he has besieged my office with for years. The simple declarative that “We have nothing to do with patents,” is beyond his ken, resulting in the unhappy distinction of my department possessing the highest rate of secretarial turnover ever recorded in the King’s Civil Service.
I expect a full apology, reparations for damage caused and restoration of the personal items seized from my wife as “evidence”. One would think even an imam as wooden-headed as Ahmed Faisal Bin Tin Tin would have known what an eyelash curler is. I shudder to think of the uses he has put it to in the hours since.
Al-Sheikh may keep the grout.
If you’d like to participate in the culture jamming of the Mutaween, a handy list of names to use can be found here, and directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here.
A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.