Message of the Day, 6/19/2003
Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:
From: Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy
Greetings and salutations to you, small warriors of Allah. Truly, God is great in finding a role for those of his followers too intellectually craven to negotiate the vagaries and complications of the world head on.
My name is Fouad bin Abdul Salaam bin Muhammad Al Farsy, and I wish to report my colleague Dr Muhammad bin Ali Al-Fayez, the Minister of Civil Service for his most foul practice of splattering the floors of the public toilets in Riyadh with copious amounts of urine, such that it is impossible to relieve oneself without the staining of garments, which must be necessarily lowered in order to void the wastes in a quick and efficient manner
Many are the times when I have made haste to a public toilet in our fair city upon feeling the furious knocking of the turtlehead, only to find that I am faced with the Hobbesian choice of fouling my garments from within or of letting them rest in the noxious leavings of the Minister. Many are the times when his effluvia have ruined a perfectly good corset.
I am convinced of the Minister’s guilt in this manner, having made a study of the various properties of urine from an early age. The Al-Fayez urine is characterized by a frequent cloudiness caused by sperm remaining within the urethra. This is the calling card of the chronic masturbator, something the Minister’s family has been known for since the time of the Prophet. “As sticky as the tents of Al-Fayez” said our ancestors, and the phrase is as true to life now as it was then.
Please remonstrate with him, as I am now forced to wear the corsets of my wife until a new shipment arrives from Ann Summers, and they bind me in odd places. My constant shifting in cabinet meetings has drawn the notice of Prince Sultan bin Abdul Aziz, and I fear he thinks I am flirting with him.
May the Almighty guide you vigilantly down the paths to his garden of righteousness, the very bowers of which are populated with houris both of surpassing beauty and extreme muteness. I pray that we may meet there in a time to come, to frolic and dance nude together in the promised warm golden showers of Allah.
If you’d like to send a message to the Mutaween of your very own, a handy list of names to use can be found here, and directions for the form, as well as the reasons for the Messages of the Day, are here. Remember to leave us a copy!
A list of all the Messages of the Day can be found here.