Message of the Day, 6/18/2003
Today, via their handy web form for cowards and informers, I sent the Saudi Religious Police the following message:
From: Dr Khalid bin Muhammad Al-Qusaibi
Greetings and felicitous salutations to the self-appointed guardians of our morality! I am Dr Khalid bin Muhammad Al-Qusaibi, and I thank Allah each and every day for your presence, for it is plain to see that Allah’s ability to persuade his followers not to stray from the path of wickedness is a weak thing indeed, like unto that of the clotted yellow cream of a bovine when confronted with heated cutlery. Truly it is a sad thing when a diety is forced to rely on mortals, especially mortals such as yourselves.
I feel positive that without your efforts, believers in Allah would abandon him in droves, such a weak and effeminate god is he, perhaps in favor of crystal worship or a UFO cult where the removal of one’s manberries is a key to salvation. Surely there is a religion tailor-made for the Royal House of Saud!
Of course, after the repeated kickings inflicted by the followers of Yahweh and Jesus upon the ass of Allah over the last 600 years, it is hardly a surprise that the our Lord And Master now resembles the bride at a prison wedding. He is become so puny a god that an entire cadre of his priests must be devoted to rooting out plasticine dolls from the children of his faithful followers. Truly, were it not so, a time might come when Allah would be listed as the first god killed by a child’s toy.
Thank you for devoting all your time and efforts to ensure that this does not come about, and that the blessed Allah dies in the manner of other gods, at the hands of his priests in consequence of their alienation of the diety’s flock.
Now, as to sin, I observed Prince Bandar Bin Sultan eating a dog sandwich whilst crouching naked on the holy Black Stone of the Kaaba. Dachshund, I believe, for the tenderness of the meat and the piquancy of its taste is sung throughout the country, and Prince Bandar Bin Sultan is a well known canine gourmand, often advising those of less experience on the best vintages of wine to accompany each delicate portion.
He selfishly declined my request for the chewy rectum of the Dachshund, even though I had smuggled him the finest Israeli horseradish for the pleasure of his sandwich, so I am turning him in.
Peace be upon you, and upon the loins of your Filipino slaves, and if there is any sandwich left, please let me know.