Ve haff vays of makink you vake.
A German schoolgirl has invented a “merciless bed” to ensure that sleepyheads get up in the morning.
Is anyone surprised in the least that this was invented by a German? “Der colt floor is gut for you, ja? Now, join me at the Kippleheimershlagiwikshtuppledorfingstat so that ve may be protestink the Americans!”
Not to be outdone, schoolchildren from all over the world have rushed to invent beds that express their particular country’s weltanschauung*
French beds that kick you out if you’ve bathed in the last day or have come to bed alone. Each morning a robotic arm rips the sheets off and hangs them out the window, on the off chance that an invasion has occurred. “Don’t be the last on your block to surrender!”
English beds that come prestocked with crumbs, fag ends and the smell of day old beer farts. Comes with optional blocks of ice for that Scottish bed and breakfast feel.
Cypriot beds, divided down the middle, with your choice of a greased Turk or an ouzo swilling Greek to occupy the other half. Both snore, and only they can tell the differences between them.
Swedish beds with multiple camera mount points, from which it is possible to film every inch of the bed from a 360 degree angle. They are constantly occupied, and you have to sleep on the floor.
Finnish beds: a string, a pulley, and a shotgun.
Italian beds that will not let their occupants arise until they are at least an hour late. Now with precut horse’s head for the Sicilian trade.
Austrian beds: Just like the German beds, except they play a sprightly tune as they dump you out into the cold cruel world.
Typical Russian Beds: Lumpy, but with multiple cupholders that will hold an entire bottle of vodka each.
Capitalist Russian Beds: No longer lumpy, and occupied by a illegal Romanian prostitute who will pour your vodka for you. Only criminals can afford this bed.
Spanish Beds that will kick you out five minutes before her duenna walks in. Comes stocked with Pope-approved brand condoms “Now with extra holes!”
Portuguese beds: Same as the Spanish beds, but with a malfunctioning timer that only functions 5 minutes after the duenna has walked in, forcing your partner cry rape and scratch at your face in order to protect her reputation as a good Catholic.
Beds from Monaco will automatically lose your shirt for you.
Danish Beds have built in Hookahs and syringe holders.
Water Beds from the Netherlands that force you to sleep under the mattress, for that authentic Dutch experience.
Schizophrenic Belgian beds, divided between the French and the Dutch, resulting in a water bed, filled with beer, that will surrender for you.
Vatican City Beds - sold by a Priest with a gleam in his eye. Child sizes only.
And, just to show that we don’t pick on Europeans specifically.
Nigerian beds come with a handy supply of rocks.
*weltanschauung - Your philosophy of life
weltanschlauung - Your penis’s philosophy of life. Surprisingly, the two often differ.
