Silflay Hraka

Oh, For the Love of God……..or Something

The Boy Scouts are once again making national news, and it isn’t because they have constructed a working draw bridge out of balsa wood and paper clips. It is because they are once again trying to ban someone who does not adhere to their beliefs. The story being reported now is that a young man, 19 years of age, has been given a little time to reflect and determine if he believes in something bigger than ourselves. The argument is that the membership application requires Boy Scouts and leaders to say they recognize some higher power. Unfortunately for this kid, he appears to be an atheist and may not meet this requirement.

The loophole here is that the Boy Scouts are not requiring him to say that he believes in the Christian version of God that so many adhere to, but that simply stating a belief in Mother Nature would meet the requirements. This may be the lamest thing I have ever heard. The requirement is ridiculous and should be abolished. A belief in something bigger than ourselves should not a requirement for helping others or starting a fire with pine straw and bear dung. The argument most likely started because the kid has said he is an atheist and this rubbed someone with strong religious convictions to balk. Now, the powers that be are trying to get him to state a belief in something bigger just to appease all sides.

If I were him I would screw up the whole thing by appearing next week and saying, “I believe in the power of mayonnaise,” or “I believe in a higher power, and that power comes from my crotch.” According to the application, these statements would technically fit the requirement. Then we would realize that this is really about some young guy who isn’t fitting the mold of what the larger society would like for him to be. He seems like a perfectly decent, honorable, young person, except for the fact that he may not pray to the God that you do, or attend church on Sundays. Give him his honors and move on, his character and abilities should be the tests he has to pass, not his belief in a higher power. File this one under “RIDICULOUS.”

Train Wreck Avoided

As mentioned in a previous post, there are just too damn many reality programs. In my prayers each night for the next year I will say, “Thank you,” for not having to sit through Liza’s reality show. It would be frightening to think that this potentially could have been worse than watching Anna Nicole eat ice cream and whine. TV viewers can now let out a collective, “WHEW!!!”

Just in Time for Christmas

Announcer: From Russia with love, It’s the new game all the kids are playing! Yes, It’s Mystery Gas!

Jingle: Open the door, for your Mystery Gas!

Announcer: “When you open the door, will your Mystery Gas be a dream. . .

Girls: (gasp, sigh)

Announcer: Or a dud?

Girls: Oh!

Announcer: Yes, We’ve updated the classic 50′s game for a new generation! What with all the bed-swapping and gender-confusion going on, not to mention all the rich geeks, Mystery Date seemed just a little passe. Now you too can rescue hostages, but be careful! Use the wrong gas and Islamic warriors will shoot your mom and baby sister right in the face!

Amy: I’ve got aerosolized Fentanyl!

Julie: I’ve got BZ!

Heather: I’ve got Phenothiazine!

Agatha: I’ve got……methane. Goddammit. (shots fire in background)

Heather: You stink and your Mom is dead. Agatha bursts into tears and runs from the room.

Jingle: Open the door, for your Mystery Gas!

Announcer: Comes complete with New York Times Headline maker for stories you can print yourself about your daring rescues! Caution, this 10 point headline kit comes with only the following nouns “captors”, “separatists”, “freedom-fighters”, “rebels”, “innocents” and “peacewarriors”. “Terrorist” not included.

Mac O’Lanterns

Jam Master Jay Shot Dead

A few more shootings, and CAIR can start referring to hip-hop as the “music of peace.”

North Korea Honors Cannabis Constipation Cure

That has got to be the most unfortunate place to have the munchies on the entire planet.

I got this in my e-mail today. The provenance is unknown, but it can be found here. It’s also probably old, but it was new to me.

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams “This is not what I was promised!”

An angel replies “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, Dumb Ass. What did you think I said?”

Ve haff vays of makink you vake.

A German schoolgirl has invented a “merciless bed” to ensure that sleepyheads get up in the morning.

Is anyone surprised in the least that this was invented by a German? “Der colt floor is gut for you, ja? Now, join me at the Kippleheimershlagiwikshtuppledorfingstat so that ve may be protestink the Americans!”

Not to be outdone, schoolchildren from all over the world have rushed to invent beds that express their particular country’s weltanschauung*

French beds that kick you out if you’ve bathed in the last day or have come to bed alone. Each morning a robotic arm rips the sheets off and hangs them out the window, on the off chance that an invasion has occurred. “Don’t be the last on your block to surrender!”

English beds that come prestocked with crumbs, fag ends and the smell of day old beer farts. Comes with optional blocks of ice for that Scottish bed and breakfast feel.

Cypriot beds, divided down the middle, with your choice of a greased Turk or an ouzo swilling Greek to occupy the other half. Both snore, and only they can tell the differences between them.

Swedish beds with multiple camera mount points, from which it is possible to film every inch of the bed from a 360 degree angle. They are constantly occupied, and you have to sleep on the floor.

Finnish beds: a string, a pulley, and a shotgun.

Italian beds that will not let their occupants arise until they are at least an hour late. Now with precut horse’s head for the Sicilian trade.

Austrian beds: Just like the German beds, except they play a sprightly tune as they dump you out into the cold cruel world.

Typical Russian Beds: Lumpy, but with multiple cupholders that will hold an entire bottle of vodka each.

Capitalist Russian Beds: No longer lumpy, and occupied by a illegal Romanian prostitute who will pour your vodka for you. Only criminals can afford this bed.

Spanish Beds that will kick you out five minutes before her duenna walks in. Comes stocked with Pope-approved brand condoms “Now with extra holes!”

Portuguese beds: Same as the Spanish beds, but with a malfunctioning timer that only functions 5 minutes after the duenna has walked in, forcing your partner cry rape and scratch at your face in order to protect her reputation as a good Catholic.

Beds from Monaco will automatically lose your shirt for you.

Danish Beds have built in Hookahs and syringe holders.

Water Beds from the Netherlands that force you to sleep under the mattress, for that authentic Dutch experience.

Schizophrenic Belgian beds, divided between the French and the Dutch, resulting in a water bed, filled with beer, that will surrender for you.

Vatican City Beds – sold by a Priest with a gleam in his eye. Child sizes only.

And, just to show that we don’t pick on Europeans specifically.

Nigerian beds come with a handy supply of rocks.

*weltanschauung – Your philosophy of life
weltanschlauung – Your penis’s philosophy of life. Surprisingly, the two often differ.