Children’s cartoons I’d like to see
When I got to a certain age, let’s call it 9, I started yelling at the cartoons every Saturday morning. The villains were always so dumb, usually just barely dumber than the heroes. I realize now that at that time, Saturday morning cartoon writer must have been the absolute lowest rung on the entertainment ladder, the job given to the beginners and the dipshits who weren’t employable anywhere else, but were either related to or owed a favor by someone in management. I didn’t know that then. All I knew was that if I were the villian, He-man would have been emasculated, most of the Superfriends converted into a thick red paste, and She-Ra and Wonder Woman would be performing tricks for my amusement in the bedroom.
Okay, maybe that last bit wasn’t at nine years of age. I can definitely remember expounding on that point lots of times in my freshman year in college though, right after I passed the bong along. Also, I would have eaten fricasseed Roadrunner many, many times. It always pissed me off that the Coyote never tried to refine his methods. Some trap that almost worked, that in fact would have worked except for his own actions, was tossed aside and never returned to. Oh, it still makes me mad.
I don’t shout at cartoons anymore. I’m not allowed. It might confuse and upset the Ngnat to see Daddy ranting at her beloved friends, according to the sainted wife, so I am to keep my smart remarks to myself.
I usually end up leaving the room. I feel that otherwise I’m at a serious risk for diabetes. Not that I want to destroy Ngnat’s innocence, and it is a joy to see her dance around with excitement upon seeing Elmo, but there are times when the cartoons become teeth-grindingly cloying, and I want to hack into the feed and replace it with my own.
Sagwa Goes Into Heat - In this episode, Sagwa the Chinese Siamese Cat entertains all the male strays in town, all night long, right underneath the Magistrate’s window. She is kicked out of the house by her horrified family, and has a litter of mixed breed kittens. Down, out, and living paw to mouth, Sagwa spares the life of a sick rat, who then infects the entire town with the plague.
Barney and the Tarpit - Barney and Pals visit La Brea, where he accidentally falls in after some especially crappy choreography. One by one, all of Barney’s friends attempt to save him, and fail, and join him in his impending doom. Just before the tar closes in over him, Barney berates the little cretins, saying that if they had just worked together they could all have been saved. “I’ll see you in hell, you little shits.”
Jay Jay the Jet Plane Meets Mohammed Atta - Jay Jay is scared by the Scruffy Man who wants a ride, but Brenda Blue tells him it’s not nice to judge other people just because they are different. The Scruffy Man mounts Jay Jay like Slim Pickens on the bomb in Dr. Strangelove, and drives the little plane insane thru the strategic use of a cattle prod, forcing him to dive into Brenda Blue’s hanger. Jay Jay’s friends Snuffy the Skywriter and Revvin Evan the Fire engine both think about rescuing him, but decide that they’d get a better deal from the producers if them let him die.
Caillou Gets Chased By the Franciscans - Calliou is enchanted by his new neighbors, the jolly fellows in robes, until he learns their horrible secret.
Clifford Humps Your Leg - Clifford the Big Red Dog decides to show the islanders once and for all who is the leader of the pack.
Elmo Meets the Feebles - PBS sells Elmo off to a traveling show after donations fall short of the annual goal.
