Silflay Hraka

Killer Waves, Dude

This wave must have been bitchin’.

Ahmed: What’s he saying? What’s he saying?
Shamir: Quiet, ass hair of a pig! You’re breaking my concentration! B-U-R-Y-
Ahmed: Bury? Bury what?
Shamir: I can go no faster, mouth of a thousand flies! The Sheik moves the pointer as he desires, not as we do. U-R-S-E-LV-E-S.
Ahmed: Bury Urselves? That’s doesn’t make any sense!
Shamir: You missed the the Y and the O because of your constant chattering. If I wanted to hear flighty nonsense from the mouths of idiots, I would go home to the wives.
Ahmed: Then let me talk to Osama. It’s boring as hell in this cave. I’ve already read the Penthouse about a dozen times, and the goat hasn’t stopped bleeding yet.
Shamir: By Allah’s sword, you do not have the sensitivity necessary to stay in touch with the Spirit World! Do you not recall your last attempt? Tell me, what exactly does “UPI SHIUD STR GIVLRF ,SU S;;SJ JSBR ,RTVU PM UPIT DPI;” mean?
Ahmed: It’s in code, I’m sure of it! I just haven’t figured it out yet!
Shamir: It’s a communication from beyond, dumbass. You think Osama encoded it because the Americans can listen in? Omar, are you writing the letters down while dipshit here is distracting me?
Omar: Of a certainty, husoor.
Ahmed: Fine. Why does the beloved leader speak to us in the language of the enemy, since you know everything?
Shamir: ………..
Omar: Truly, they do not make Ouija boards written in Pashto.
Ahmed: I am so tired of using American technology for every little thing. You would think at least that we would have invented the nose hair trimmer.
Shamir: Can you not go a day without mentioning your nose hair? Every bloody day, praise Allah, I have to hear that annoying “ahhhhhhhhhhhhh” sound you make while that thing is shoved halfway to your sinuses. And you never empty it outside! I could make a pillow big enough to seat 5 houris out of the leavings in here.
Ahmed: I cannot help it. It is the mountain air, it promotes growth
Shamir: You should have hair down to your ass like a woman then
Ahmed: Like your wives’ perhaps?
Shamir: It was not Nasrallah’s fault that her burka had lice! There was nothing to do but shave her…
Omar: The message is complete!
Ahmed: What’d he say? What’d he say?
Shamir: Shut up you. Give the man a chance.
Omar: “Bury yourselves outside the American encampment at midnight. Leave all weapons behind. Just before dawn, emerge from the ground and charge the camp. The sentries will be asleep at their posts.”
Ahmed: What, like they were the last three times?
Shamir: Who are you to question the words of our beloved leader?
Omar: “Take their weapons and kill them all.”
Ahmed: Look, all I’m saying is that we’ve lost a bunch of jihadis since that thing started giving us orders.
Shamir: I tried telling you this before. Osama sees the big picture. All you see is the little picture. He does strategy. You do tactics. He sits at the right hand of Allah. You sit on a rock in a cave. Are you questioning Allah?
Ahmed: Truly, I am not. I am but a worm to Allah.
Shamir: Then let us proceed. Omar, was there anymore to the message?
Omar: Nothing important, Shaheed
Shamir: Fine. Then let us depart. I bid you farewell.

Later:

Osama: Guys? Hello? Hello! Where did everyone go? I left a band five hundred strong here six months ago.
Ayman: They left a note, great leader. I cannot read it.
Osama: It says “Bury yourselves outside the American encampment at midnight. Leave all weapons behind. Just before dawn, emerge from the ground and charge the camp. The sentries will be asleep at their posts. Take their weapons and kill them all.” What kind of a dumbass plan is that?
Ayman: I bet that damn Ahmed thought it up. that boy always was a beer short of a six-pack.
Osama: There’s more. “Let’s roll!” How odd. Truly, this is a mystery.
Ayman: ALLAH’S MERCIES!
Osama: What? What?
Ayman: That piece of pointed wood, it moves!
Osama: H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A…………
Ayman: Let us leave this place, it frightens me.
Osama: All right……Have someone bring the Ouija board.

Keith Olbermann says that if there is a baseball strike, it’ll be over on September 8th.

Sunday, Sept. 8, 2002: During a joint news conference with Fehr and owners negotiators Rob Manfred and Bob DuPuy — but not the soon-to-be-scapegoated Selig — it will be announced that logistics will demand that the games can’t resume until Monday.

Each side will pronounce itself dissatisfied with the compromise, and that the real reason they were so willing to make such concessions was their side’s overwhelming and abiding primary concern; the one thing that has animated them throughout these 10 long days: their awareness that, at all costs, the games of Sept. 11, 2002, had to be played.

I don’t think MLB is that smart, but I also don’t care. I want my grandchildren to look up at me one day and ask “Papa, what’s professional baseball?”

The World Turned Upside Down, Again.

Maureen Dowd follows Frank Rich’s lead as the left re-positions itself to bash Bush on Saudi Arabia.

Making the case for going to war in the Middle East to veterans on Monday, the vice president said that “our goal would be . . . a government that is democratic and pluralistic, a nation where the human rights of every ethnic and religious group are recognized and protected.”

Once everyone realizes that we’re no longer being hypocrites, coddling a corrupt, repressive dictatorship that sponsors terrorism even as we plot to crush a corrupt, repressive dictatorship that sponsors terrorism, it will transform our relationship with the Arab world.

The blogosphere doesn’t particularly care for her, but if the Democrats follow up the thinking at the NYT, then what’s bad for George will be good for America. Plus, it’ll give Bill another reason to vote Democrat.

I predict the meme shows up in a Democratic presidential candidate by the end of next week, unless McCain beats them to it.

Update: Oxblog agrees with Maureen. In other news, cold front enters Gehenna

You know you’re funny when the Onion starts ripping you off. Congrats to Meryl.

Update: Homeobox claims that The Onion is actually ripping off his rip-off of Meryl. Let’s instead say that the Onion has been infected with a meme, first introduced by Meryl that contains some memetic DNA later added by Homeobox. Is everyone happy now?

McDonald’s Must Be McStupid

This appeared on an AOL website:

‘McAfrika Burger’ Riles Aid Groups

OSLO, Norway (AP) - Humanitarian groups criticized McDonald’s for a new sandwich called the McAfrika, saying the offering is poorly timed because millions of Africans are facing starvation. But aid officials on Monday welcomed an agreement by the fast-food restaurant chain to inform customers about the potential famine in southern Africa and tell them how they can help, Tarje Wanvik of the group Norwegian Church Aid said Monday. McDonald’s announced last week that the new sandwich, made of beef and vegetables and wrapped in pita bread, will be sold at 15 restaurants in Oslo. The sandwich was advertised as being based on African recipes.

What’s next, the Ethiopian buffet? The Chinese Human Rights Happy Meal? The Iraq Pack with a bobblehead doll of Sadam inside?

Today we re-visit the 1916 sexual education book my beloved grandmother presented to me upon the occasion of my 12th birthday. It had repercussions I still haven’t come across.

Once again, excerpts from chapter seven of Professor T.W. Shannon’s The New Perfect Manhood.

Part 9 - Ovulation and Menstruation

The real founders of Rome.

In the healthy woman, from puberty until the change of life, a period of some thirty-five years, once every twenty-eight days, the ovaries ripen a germ cell, called an ovum or egg.

It is at this time that you are most likely to find your loved one riding a horse on the beach, wearing her favorite white outfit. She is invariably accompanied by her mother during these times, also in white, also on a horse.

The ripening of this egg in an ovary and its passage through the oviduct into the womb is the function of ovulation.

This knowledge would be more widespread, had the FCC not prevented the airing of the Schoolhouse Rock series on Human Sexuality.

Once every twenty-eight days the mucous membrane of the womb secretes a bloody mucus.

Much like the nostrils of the FCC chairman the day after Prof. Shannon punched him in the nose. He’d spent a lot of time on those songs.

This is the function of menstruation.

How could they turn down Menstruation?

Menstruations!
Cause excitement,
Or emotion!
They’re generally recognized by the sentient,
By a bloody maxi-pad,
Or by a tampon when the flow is not as strong.

The passage of the mucus from the vagina is called the menstrual flow.

Because calling it the Monthly Ketchup led to all sorts of problems at the Little Rock McDonalds.

The function of menstruation and the flow last from three to six days, four days being the average.

Starting a betting pool with your friends on the termination date is not considered sporting. You have inside her information, after all.

If the woman is irregular, menstruation may come oftener or she may miss a month or several months.

Irregular women are often cheaper and can found at shops specializing in factory seconds. Keep her well covered and out of the public eye, and no one need ever know that you have married a flawed woman. Be sure to discreetly inquire amongst her friends and family to ascertain her exact flaws before finalizing your engagement.

Ovulation may proceed or follow menstruation.

In Arabic countries, it it required to follow menstruation at a distance of five feet.

In rare cases it may occur between two menstrual periods.

An inexperienced male might assume that all ovulations occur between two menstrual cycles. This is incorrect, as menstruation has the power to bend the space/time continuum. Many are the experienced husbands and fathers who will attest to periods that last for what seems like months.

The egg or ovum may descend into the womb before the menstrual period;

By rappelling down the side of the womb, or simply falling off and bouncing to the bottom. This biological process was the inspiration for Pachinko

most frequently after the cessation of the menses; in very rare cases, midway between the menses.

See above space/time reference

The sperm cell of the male may meet and impregnate the ovum either in the womb or in an oviduct.

The sperm most likely to succeed at this activity carry tiny little martinis, which they give to the egg prior to the impregnation attempt.

It is possible for a healthy wife to conceive any time that an ovum is passing through an oviduct or lingering in the womb.

Ovum for future juvenile delinquents are often found malingering in the womb.

The period of greatest probability is the next ten days immediately following cessation of the menstrual flow.

“Greatest probability” does not mean she is better at gambling during this period. People who do believe in gambling during this period get their payout nine months later.

The period of least probability is the next ten days.

Catholics are more apt to gamble during this period. Judge the results for yourself

Between this last period and the beginning of the next menses is a period of four or five days.

The Reign of Menses was interrupted by the Trojan invasion. He was succeeded by his daughter, Nefertility.

Conception is not as likely to take place during this last period as during the first period mentioned.

Good God almighty, man! How many damn periods does a woman have? Are they always pre-menstrual?

Intercourse should never take place during the menstrual period.

Limit your activities to oral sex.

Wives naturally repel the approach of their husbands at this period.

Mild acquaintances and strangers make them hot, however. Confine her to quarters for the duration.

Sexual relations at this time lead to many complications in the genital organs of the woman.

Typical of these is “Confused Uterus”. It doesn’t know whether it’s coming or going.

Why the Woman Has the Right to Set the Date of Marriage

It keeps them from complaining about suffrage for a bit.

At times during courtship a young woman is not so loving and attentive to her suitor as at others.

She may threaten you with grievous bodily harm, or have her family set the dogs on you. Pay her no mind! This is simply a chemical imbalance, rectified only by your constant attentions!

Where young men do not understand this, they are likely to misunderstand the apparent indifference.

Secretly she wants you, and longs for you at all times. Go to her window, and croon soft poetry to her in the wee hours of the morning.

In setting the date of marriage, the young woman tries to select a date that will fall midway between two menstrual periods.

This is typically a thirty minute interval.

The duties and excitement incident to the approaching date of marriage may hasten the arrival of each monthly period a few days.

Or maybe she doesn’t remember when they occur. This is known in the Vatican as Infant Roulette.

Should she find that marriage and a menstrual period are likely to come on the same date, she will ask that the date be made earlier or later.

Unless it’s bad for the caterer. In which case, tough on you.

It is for this reason that she is given the right to set or change the date of marriage.

That, and the fact the the men who care, who really, really care about the date of marriage? They’re not likely to be interested in the ladies anyway. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Coming Soon:
Frequency of Sexual Relations
Like you have a choice in the matter
and
Unbridled Liberty
Never molest an unbridled horse.

Nature: Red in tooth and claw, now with extra irony!

Stop The Insanity

This appeared on an AOL website.

By ERICA WERNER
.c The Associated Press

LOS ANGELES (Aug. 26) - Hoping to combat childhood obesity, the nation’s second-largest school district is expected to ban the sale of soft drinks at its 677 campuses. The sale of soda is already prohibited at elementary schools in the Los Angeles Unified School District, and the school board is set to vote Tuesday to extend the ban to the district’s approximately 200 middle and high schools.

Honestly, I don’t care if you stop selling sodas at school. That isn’t the issue here. The issue is, are they really doing it in an effort to combat childhood obesity? Give me a break. If they are truly interested in battling obesity in America’s teens, then serve better lunches. Don’t give them a Coke, but they can go through the line and choose a good ol’ slab of pizza, with more grease than bread. Certainly that would benefit our teens more than restricting their tendencies to abuse carbonated and caffeinated products.

Surely the school system has another reason to restrict the sale of soft-drinks at schools other than the weight of the students. If they were making a load of money on the project they most likely wouldn’t care if all children tipped the scales at 300+ and couldn’t fit into their gym shorts. Have a Coke and a smile………but lay off the damn twinkies.

Drawn and Quartered

A slide show of some of the more hideous state quarter designs.

The slides drive home the point that art designed by committee is uniformly predictable, unimaginative, and boring. Did anyone ever think that South Carolina wasn’t going to stick a Palmetto on its two-bit piece? A more honest rendition would have been a overweight female in a tank top, smoking a cigarette while smacking the buttons on a video poker machine. Or it could have conveyed the attitude of its citizenry towards its major political issue by depicting a Klansmen carrying the Confederate battle flag.

I’d like to see renditions of each state as perceived by people outside the state. The Tennessee state quarter? Elvis on a toilet. Texas? A picture of the JFK motorcade, motto “Down, and to the left.” Nevada? A man surrounded by hookers. Utah? Same picture, just dress up the hookers a little more and call the man “Joseph Smith”. West Virginia? Robert Byrd riding a pig. Idaho? A can of Planter’s Mixed Nuts. Kansas? Tornado in a trailer park. I’m getting dangerously close to deciding that I need to do all fifty, so I’ll stop here.

Even better would be a state-wide lottery, with the winner getting to put whatever they wanted on the coin. “Welcome to Rhode Island, home of Connie Raynor and her cats, Mittens, Toby and Eartha.”

Update: This post is the most popular thing we’ve done in days. When I finally posetd it, it was with the thought “Piece of crap. Glad that’s over with. Now’s let’s go produce something worth reading, you hack bastard.” I try not to classify various posts as good writing or bad writing, because; A.) People who look at something they’ve written and think “Damn that’s genius” are the same people who keep the vanity press in business. Plus, they’re really boring at parties.. B.) When I do slip up and judge, it’s always wrong.

Anyway, here are some of the people linking;

Nick Danger, who wonders what the Massachusetts state quarter would be under that system. That’s easy. Either a man in a uniform vacuuming out a couch: motto “That’s our money, ma’am. Now where’s your purse?” or Michael Dukakis in a tank.

The Fat Guy, who doesn’t care for the Texas quarter design. An he’s right, it’s hideous. I almost used it instead of SC as my example. ”
“The Lone Star state put a Lone Star on its quarter! How shocking! Someone get the defribbril…defibbrila…Someone put the paddles on Grampa!, that quarter done knocked him daid!”

And War Nowwho takes the idea international

AUSTRALIA - The Crocodile Hunter buggering a crocodile
NEW ZEALAND - Rusell Crowe buggering a sheep
INDONESIA - A pile of bodies, with a KOPASSUS officer trying to block your view
SINGAPORE - A man with hair that touches his collar being dragged away by police
MALAYSIA - Dr M crying that he won’t stand again. That doesn’t actually represent the country, it’s just such an appealing image…
FIJI - An Indian family fleeing their burning home while a crowd of Fijians cheers
SYRIA - Mushroom cloud
IRAQ - Mushroom cloud
SAUDI ARABIA - Mushroom cloud

He’s wrong about Australia, though. It would depict The Crocodile Hunter holding a Fosters: motto “Australian for Beer”. The fact that this would enrage the Australians, “Fosters is Australian for Shite, mate!”, is gravy.