Silflay Hraka

Movie Review: Signs

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Oh my GOD, it’s bad. I don’t know who keeps going to see this movie or how it got to be the number one movie AGAIN this week, but it is HORRIBLE. This is the worst movie I’ve seen since “Pearl Harbor“, and I’ve seen a lot of movies since then. (I had to go see a lot of movies after Pearl Harbor. It’s kinda’ like forcing yourself back onto the horse after it’s thrown you.)

Where do I begin? What a heavy-handed, ham-fisted, piece of CRAP!

Okay, here’s the plot. Space invaders leave symbols in the corn field of a farmer who used to be a priest (Mel Gibson), until he lost his faith because his wife was killed in an accident. The aliens eventually invade. The priest must find his faith again in order to save his family from the alien invaders. The end.

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Breath in. Breath out. Find your happy place. Let it all out. Calm. Caaaalllm. There. That’s better.

Here are my problems with the movie: from the very outset of the movie, you can tell the movie is going to be beautiful cinematically speaking. There’s a beautifully framed shot of the corn field from the window of the farm house to start the movie. I have no problem with that. I start to develop a problem when you get the feeling that the director (M. Night Shyamalan) is POINTING out to you how beautifully filmed everything is. You get the feeling that he’s saying “See, look how beautiful this shot is. Can you see how I’ve framed Mel in this doorway with the light behind him, and see the outline of the crucifix where it used to hang on the wall? See, it used to be there when he had faith, but then his wife died and he took it down. See? See? Neat, huh?!” It’s like that thoroughout the entire movie. New scene. Pause on actor. Actor poses in doorway, gazing thoughtfully at something, or nothing. Pose. Pose. Pose. Cue actor to move slowly across the room. Slower. Slower. SLOWER. Now pause. Pose. CUT!

And then the camera angle switches to some out of place fish-eye lense or something. I felt like I was watching a f*cking Tums commercial.

You know, I’m not stupid. You don’t have to spoon-feed me all this depth and heaviness. But you get spoon-fed from the very start. The movie OOZES somberness, because, you know, questioning faith is a heavy topic and we should all consider it in a very somber way. The actors all appear as if they were forced to swallow sedatives before every scene. No one smiles. Everyone moves slowly and acts very somber and concerned and far away. No one so much as blinks throughout the entire movie. I am not lying or exaggerating. I can count on ONE hand the number of blinks in the entire what-felt-like-7 hours of the movie. It’s not natural.

What else? Oh, the aliens are a joke. Most of the alien scenes are some guy with a rubber hand pawing under the door. OOooohh, scaaary. Gimme a break. Evidently aliens can’t work doorknobs or bust through doors or windows if they have so much as one board across them. Oh, EXCEPT for towards the end where one unexplicably manages to break in a boarded up window without being heard WHILE EVERYONE IS IN THE SAME ROOM. This one was out for personal vengeance, evidently. There is one scene in which you get to see the alien up-close and personal. My immediate thoughts: “What a horrible rubber suit that is.”

I do have to mention one notable almost-positive about the movie. The almost-positive is the little girl, the priest’s daughter. She is played by Abigail Breslin. She’s somewhere between 8 and 10, and if she weren’t forced to play a child zombie, she would have been wonderful. She reminded me of Carol Ann in “Poltergeist“, except that she had exceeded her recommended dosage of Ritalin. Blink! Blink, damn you!

I do not understand how anyone, even your mainstream movie reviewers, found this movie to be suspenseful or frightening or entertaining. I was bored out of my mind inside of 15 minutes. I kept thinking to myself: “Was this movie made in France? Where is the sad happy clown of life?” How bad was the movie? There were bits that were supposed to be funny, evidently, and people laughed. People laughed because it was so obviously not funny, that it was funny. People laughed in the serious parts of the movie too. Everyone around us kept up a running commentary on how horrible the movie was, and I’m usually the only one that talks out loud for everyone to hear in movies.

Some poor *sshole gave this movie FOUR STARS. Wha’? How?

I guess I’m so worked up because the movie just felt like it had to force all this heaviness and thought-provoking stuff down your throat, as if you weren’t bright enough to pick up on it if the director bothered to disguise it in any way, shape, or form. Steven Spielberg, the director is not. Not even close. This one makes my worst movies of all time list. Others include the aforementioned “Pearl Harbor” and “Battlefield Earth“, if that gives you anything to go on. The trouble is, someone is going to win an Oscar for this movie, and I just don’t know why. Prediction: this movie will win Shyamalan Best Director at the Oscars next year. Rating: D- or One Star

Update: Letter from Gotham hated Signs as well.

The Devil’s Excrement explains Venezuelan politics to his Argentinian friend, Carlos.

-Hi, Claudio?
-Yes, it?s me, who is it?
-Shit, don?t you recognize me?
-It?s me Carlos Mamut
-Carlitos, to what do I owe this miracle?
-Well, what can I say? I had to call. I am watching on CNN that an opposition group is in front of the Presidential Palace, burning tires and throwing stones. Tell, me what is happening in Venezuela?
-Claudio, that is not the opposition, the ones throwing stones are Government supporters.
-Don?t be nuts Carlitos, that is the opposition. How can Government supporters create havoc, put up barricades and throw stones? I saw the police repressing the demonstration!
-Well, yes, what happens is that?I don?t know how to explain it, but it happens that the police are the Government?s enemy; nevertheless they are trying to stop the demonstrators from overthrowing the Government.
-Listen to yourself, you are saying nutty things, I am watching on TV hooded demonstrators shooting against the marchers that are going towards the Presidential Palace.
-You are right, and now that you mention it I don?t understand it either, the point is that the demonstration that you are watching is in favor of the Government and those that are shooting, are shooting against the cops which are led by the Mayor of Caracas, who by the way is not in favor of the Government.
-Nuts! Are you kidding me? I have just seen the Mayor of Caracas saying that he backs Ch?vez.
-Carlos you have to understand that that is another Mayor, I am talking about the one that does not back him.
-Ah! The one that directs the cops?
-No! The police are being led by the Mayor that backs Chavez; I am referring to the Metropolitan police
-Well, the Metropolitan police does not belong to Caracas?
-Yes! But that one belongs to another Mayor, the one that does not back him!

Killer Waves, Dude

This wave must have been bitchin’.

Ahmed: What’s he saying? What’s he saying?
Shamir: Quiet, ass hair of a pig! You’re breaking my concentration! B-U-R-Y-
Ahmed: Bury? Bury what?
Shamir: I can go no faster, mouth of a thousand flies! The Sheik moves the pointer as he desires, not as we do. U-R-S-E-LV-E-S.
Ahmed: Bury Urselves? That’s doesn’t make any sense!
Shamir: You missed the the Y and the O because of your constant chattering. If I wanted to hear flighty nonsense from the mouths of idiots, I would go home to the wives.
Ahmed: Then let me talk to Osama. It’s boring as hell in this cave. I’ve already read the Penthouse about a dozen times, and the goat hasn’t stopped bleeding yet.
Shamir: By Allah’s sword, you do not have the sensitivity necessary to stay in touch with the Spirit World! Do you not recall your last attempt? Tell me, what exactly does “UPI SHIUD STR GIVLRF ,SU S;;SJ JSBR ,RTVU PM UPIT DPI;” mean?
Ahmed: It’s in code, I’m sure of it! I just haven’t figured it out yet!
Shamir: It’s a communication from beyond, dumbass. You think Osama encoded it because the Americans can listen in? Omar, are you writing the letters down while dipshit here is distracting me?
Omar: Of a certainty, husoor.
Ahmed: Fine. Why does the beloved leader speak to us in the language of the enemy, since you know everything?
Shamir: ………..
Omar: Truly, they do not make Ouija boards written in Pashto.
Ahmed: I am so tired of using American technology for every little thing. You would think at least that we would have invented the nose hair trimmer.
Shamir: Can you not go a day without mentioning your nose hair? Every bloody day, praise Allah, I have to hear that annoying “ahhhhhhhhhhhhh” sound you make while that thing is shoved halfway to your sinuses. And you never empty it outside! I could make a pillow big enough to seat 5 houris out of the leavings in here.
Ahmed: I cannot help it. It is the mountain air, it promotes growth
Shamir: You should have hair down to your ass like a woman then
Ahmed: Like your wives’ perhaps?
Shamir: It was not Nasrallah’s fault that her burka had lice! There was nothing to do but shave her…
Omar: The message is complete!
Ahmed: What’d he say? What’d he say?
Shamir: Shut up you. Give the man a chance.
Omar: “Bury yourselves outside the American encampment at midnight. Leave all weapons behind. Just before dawn, emerge from the ground and charge the camp. The sentries will be asleep at their posts.”
Ahmed: What, like they were the last three times?
Shamir: Who are you to question the words of our beloved leader?
Omar: “Take their weapons and kill them all.”
Ahmed: Look, all I’m saying is that we’ve lost a bunch of jihadis since that thing started giving us orders.
Shamir: I tried telling you this before. Osama sees the big picture. All you see is the little picture. He does strategy. You do tactics. He sits at the right hand of Allah. You sit on a rock in a cave. Are you questioning Allah?
Ahmed: Truly, I am not. I am but a worm to Allah.
Shamir: Then let us proceed. Omar, was there anymore to the message?
Omar: Nothing important, Shaheed
Shamir: Fine. Then let us depart. I bid you farewell.

Later:

Osama: Guys? Hello? Hello! Where did everyone go? I left a band five hundred strong here six months ago.
Ayman: They left a note, great leader. I cannot read it.
Osama: It says “Bury yourselves outside the American encampment at midnight. Leave all weapons behind. Just before dawn, emerge from the ground and charge the camp. The sentries will be asleep at their posts. Take their weapons and kill them all.” What kind of a dumbass plan is that?
Ayman: I bet that damn Ahmed thought it up. that boy always was a beer short of a six-pack.
Osama: There’s more. “Let’s roll!” How odd. Truly, this is a mystery.
Ayman: ALLAH’S MERCIES!
Osama: What? What?
Ayman: That piece of pointed wood, it moves!
Osama: H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A…………
Ayman: Let us leave this place, it frightens me.
Osama: All right……Have someone bring the Ouija board.

Keith Olbermann says that if there is a baseball strike, it’ll be over on September 8th.

Sunday, Sept. 8, 2002: During a joint news conference with Fehr and owners negotiators Rob Manfred and Bob DuPuy — but not the soon-to-be-scapegoated Selig — it will be announced that logistics will demand that the games can’t resume until Monday.

Each side will pronounce itself dissatisfied with the compromise, and that the real reason they were so willing to make such concessions was their side’s overwhelming and abiding primary concern; the one thing that has animated them throughout these 10 long days: their awareness that, at all costs, the games of Sept. 11, 2002, had to be played.

I don’t think MLB is that smart, but I also don’t care. I want my grandchildren to look up at me one day and ask “Papa, what’s professional baseball?”

The World Turned Upside Down, Again.

Maureen Dowd follows Frank Rich’s lead as the left re-positions itself to bash Bush on Saudi Arabia.

Making the case for going to war in the Middle East to veterans on Monday, the vice president said that “our goal would be . . . a government that is democratic and pluralistic, a nation where the human rights of every ethnic and religious group are recognized and protected.”

Once everyone realizes that we’re no longer being hypocrites, coddling a corrupt, repressive dictatorship that sponsors terrorism even as we plot to crush a corrupt, repressive dictatorship that sponsors terrorism, it will transform our relationship with the Arab world.

The blogosphere doesn’t particularly care for her, but if the Democrats follow up the thinking at the NYT, then what’s bad for George will be good for America. Plus, it’ll give Bill another reason to vote Democrat.

I predict the meme shows up in a Democratic presidential candidate by the end of next week, unless McCain beats them to it.

Update: Oxblog agrees with Maureen. In other news, cold front enters Gehenna

You know you’re funny when the Onion starts ripping you off. Congrats to Meryl.

Update: Homeobox claims that The Onion is actually ripping off his rip-off of Meryl. Let’s instead say that the Onion has been infected with a meme, first introduced by Meryl that contains some memetic DNA later added by Homeobox. Is everyone happy now?

McDonald’s Must Be McStupid

This appeared on an AOL website:

‘McAfrika Burger’ Riles Aid Groups

OSLO, Norway (AP) - Humanitarian groups criticized McDonald’s for a new sandwich called the McAfrika, saying the offering is poorly timed because millions of Africans are facing starvation. But aid officials on Monday welcomed an agreement by the fast-food restaurant chain to inform customers about the potential famine in southern Africa and tell them how they can help, Tarje Wanvik of the group Norwegian Church Aid said Monday. McDonald’s announced last week that the new sandwich, made of beef and vegetables and wrapped in pita bread, will be sold at 15 restaurants in Oslo. The sandwich was advertised as being based on African recipes.

What’s next, the Ethiopian buffet? The Chinese Human Rights Happy Meal? The Iraq Pack with a bobblehead doll of Sadam inside?