Today we re-visit the 1916 sexual education book my beloved grandmother presented to me upon the occasion of my 12th birthday. It had repercussions I still haven’t come across.
Once again, excerpts from chapter seven of Professor T.W. Shannon’s The New Perfect Manhood.
Part 9 - Ovulation and Menstruation
The real founders of Rome.
In the healthy woman, from puberty until the change of life, a period of some thirty-five years, once every twenty-eight days, the ovaries ripen a germ cell, called an ovum or egg.
It is at this time that you are most likely to find your loved one riding a horse on the beach, wearing her favorite white outfit. She is invariably accompanied by her mother during these times, also in white, also on a horse.
The ripening of this egg in an ovary and its passage through the oviduct into the womb is the function of ovulation.
This knowledge would be more widespread, had the FCC not prevented the airing of the Schoolhouse Rock series on Human Sexuality.
Once every twenty-eight days the mucous membrane of the womb secretes a bloody mucus.
Much like the nostrils of the FCC chairman the day after Prof. Shannon punched him in the nose. He’d spent a lot of time on those songs.
This is the function of menstruation.
How could they turn down Menstruation?
When Dorothy was home with the “flu”, (uh huh)
The doctor knew just what to do:
He said “Ovulation,
Is the cause of menstruation.”
And Dorothy uttered some imprecations!
“Damn! That’s cold!”
“Crap! That hurts!”
“Shit! That’s not fair, putting the forceps all the way down there!”
Menstruations!
Cause excitement,
Or emotion!
They’re generally recognized by the sentient,
By a bloody maxi-pad,
Or by a tampon when the flow is not as strong. Mmmm…
Though Geraldine played hard to get, (uh huh)
Geraldo knew he’d love her yet.
When he tried relations,
Despite her menstruation,
That Geraldine hollered some imprecations!
“Asshole! I’ve got bad cramps!”
“Leave me alone! I’ve never been so pissed off in all my life!”
“Hey! You’re kinda cute!”
Menstruations!
Cause excitement,
Or emotion!
They’re generally recognized by the sentient,
By a bloody maxi-pad,
Or by a tampon when the flow is not as strong. Mmmm…
So when she’s snappy,
Or sad,
Or frightened,
Or mad.
Not excited,
nor glad.
Her menstruation probably starts that night!
The game was tied at seven all, (uh huh)
When Franklin found he had no balls.
It wasn’t castration,
He was built for lactation,
And there and then she had her first menstruation!
Damn! You throw like a girl!
crap! You just lost the game!
Hurray! I’m for the other team!
Menstruations!
Cause excitement,
Or emotion!
They’re generally recognized by the sentient,
By a bloody maxi-pad,
Or by a tampon when the flow is not as strong. Mmmm…
So when she’s snappy,
Or sad,
Or frightened,
Or mad.
Not excited,
nor glad.
Her menstruation probably starts that night!
Menstruations!
Cause excitement,
Or emotion!
They’re generally recognized by the sentient,
By a bloody maxi-pad,
Or by a tampon when the flow is not as strong.
The passage of the mucus from the vagina is called the menstrual flow.
Because calling it the Monthly Ketchup led to all sorts of problems at the Little Rock McDonalds.
The function of menstruation and the flow last from three to six days, four days being the average.
Starting a betting pool with your friends on the termination date is not considered sporting. You have inside her information, after all.
If the woman is irregular, menstruation may come oftener or she may miss a month or several months.
Irregular women are often cheaper and can found at shops specializing in factory seconds. Keep her well covered and out of the public eye, and no one need ever know that you have married a flawed woman. Be sure to discreetly inquire amongst her friends and family to ascertain her exact flaws before finalizing your engagement.
Ovulation may proceed or follow menstruation.
In Arabic countries, it it required to follow menstruation at a distance of five feet.
In rare cases it may occur between two menstrual periods.
An inexperienced male might assume that all ovulations occur between two menstrual cycles. This is incorrect, as menstruation has the power to bend the space/time continuum. Many are the experienced husbands and fathers who will attest to periods that last for what seems like months.
The egg or ovum may descend into the womb before the menstrual period;
By rappelling down the side of the womb, or simply falling off and bouncing to the bottom. This biological process was the inspiration for Pachinko
most frequently after the cessation of the menses; in very rare cases, midway between the menses.
See above space/time reference
The sperm cell of the male may meet and impregnate the ovum either in the womb or in an oviduct.
The sperm most likely to succeed at this activity carry tiny little martinis, which they give to the egg prior to the impregnation attempt.
It is possible for a healthy wife to conceive any time that an ovum is passing through an oviduct or lingering in the womb.
Ovum for future juvenile delinquents are often found malingering in the womb.
The period of greatest probability is the next ten days immediately following cessation of the menstrual flow.
“Greatest probability” does not mean she is better at gambling during this period. People who do believe in gambling during this period get their payout nine months later.
The period of least probability is the next ten days.
Catholics are more apt to gamble during this period. Judge the results for yourself
Between this last period and the beginning of the next menses is a period of four or five days.
The Reign of Menses was interrupted by the Trojan invasion. He was succeeded by his daughter, Nefertility.
Conception is not as likely to take place during this last period as during the first period mentioned.
Good God almighty, man! How many damn periods does a woman have? Are they always pre-menstrual?
Intercourse should never take place during the menstrual period.
Limit your activities to oral sex.
Wives naturally repel the approach of their husbands at this period.
Mild acquaintances and strangers make them hot, however. Confine her to quarters for the duration.
Sexual relations at this time lead to many complications in the genital organs of the woman.
Typical of these is “Confused Uterus”. It doesn’t know whether it’s coming or going.
Why the Woman Has the Right to Set the Date of Marriage
It keeps them from complaining about suffrage for a bit.
At times during courtship a young woman is not so loving and attentive to her suitor as at others.
She may threaten you with grievous bodily harm, or have her family set the dogs on you. Pay her no mind! This is simply a chemical imbalance, rectified only by your constant attentions!
Where young men do not understand this, they are likely to misunderstand the apparent indifference.
Secretly she wants you, and longs for you at all times. Go to her window, and croon soft poetry to her in the wee hours of the morning.
In setting the date of marriage, the young woman tries to select a date that will fall midway between two menstrual periods.
This is typically a thirty minute interval.
The duties and excitement incident to the approaching date of marriage may hasten the arrival of each monthly period a few days.
Or maybe she doesn’t remember when they occur. This is known in the Vatican as Infant Roulette.
Should she find that marriage and a menstrual period are likely to come on the same date, she will ask that the date be made earlier or later.
Unless it’s bad for the caterer. In which case, tough on you.
It is for this reason that she is given the right to set or change the date of marriage.
That, and the fact the the men who care, who really, really care about the date of marriage? They’re not likely to be interested in the ladies anyway. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Coming Soon:
Frequency of Sexual Relations
Like you have a choice in the matter
and
Unbridled Liberty
Never molest an unbridled horse.
