Aussies Stage Beer Can Boat Race
When I was younger, there was a point in the evening that we called “Going to Florida.” It’s from the Larry Miller’s Five Levels of Drinking. It’s that point in the evening where the stupidest crap in the world makes perfect sense. Down Under they must refer to this as the “Let’s make Something from the Empties” point. It’s Australian for “Severe Lacerations.”
DARWIN, Australia (AP) - Some Aussies know how to recycle their empties: by sailing them. Last Sunday, nine boats competed in the 28th Darwin Beer Can Regatta.
8 of them beat Dennis Connor
The boats have to be made from empty beer cans. An estimated 10,000 people watched the race from the beach in Australia’s self-described beer capital. But some of the sailors may have had a little too much of the raw material. Some of the boats went to the bottom shortly after the start of the race. Winning skipper Adam Davey of Melbourne admits he was little surprised his boat would actually float.
How in God’s name do you get to be the Beer capital of Australia? It’s got be as hard as being the Redneck Capitol of South Carolina, if not harder. The competition must be fierce. How do you win? Is there an annual event that determines the winner? Are there announcers?
Andy Raymond: “G’day to all and welcome to the Fifteenth Annual Australia Beer Capital Competition, brought to you by Victoria Beer! And by Foster’s, since we’re hoping to get picked up by ESPN and it’s the only goddam beer the friggin Yank’s have ever heard of. Foster’s! It’s Australian for donkey whiz. I’m here with Eric Bischoff, our color commentator and Lilian Garcia, who going ta show us ‘er tits and mangle the live interviews. Eric?”
Eric: “Wall, it looks to be a good day for a booze-up, Andy. The temperatures are hot enough so that we can expect a massive wave of dis-robing somewhere after the Tenth round, but not so hot that it’s going to affect our beefier competitors. I expect we’ll be seeing some fine drinking today, Andy.”
Andy: “Lets get right to it, folks. Here’s the event list. We’ve go the Stout Feller Stout Stoat Catch, where your heftier members of the town drink five pints of Cooper’s Best Extra Stout, chase down and capture a live weasel in their empty stein. Afterwards is the Budweiser taste test, where famous Australians must correctly distiguish between Chicago tap water, urine, and Budweiser.
Eric: “Always the toughest event of the day, Andy. I can’t help but think of the year Paul Mercurio projectile vomited his first Bud into his nearest competitor’s mugs.
Andy: “Hazards of the Game, Eric. And Ms. Kidman showed her true colors in winning the event anyway. Speaking of Paul, I believe Lilian is with him down at the Pig & Whistle. Lilian?”
……………
Andy: “Damn the woman. Go to commercial!”
