War Now discovers the umma in Tonga. I’m not sure, but I think the story is tonga in cheeka.
Archive for August 8th, 2002
More readings from the New Perfect Manhood
Part 7 - Facts a Young Husband Should Know
Don’t marry young. Whoops, too late!
The vagina of a virgin is normally guarded by a delicate membrane, called the hymen.
As in “Hi, men! Come near me and the next thing you feel will be pa’s shotgun in your quivering buttocks!”
The hymen contains a small opening about the size of a lead pencil, through which passes the menstrual flow.
For all you kayakers, this constriction of the passageway generates rapids rated Class 3 and up. For the non-kayakers, here are the American Standard Vagina Rapids Classifications.
Class 1 — few ripples, maybe some small waves and few, if any, obstacles.
Class 2 — easy rapids; wide channels with little maneuvering necessary.
Class 3 — more difficult rapids with large waves; narrow passages requiring maneuvering.
Class 4 — large, long and difficult rapids that usually require precise maneuvering.
Class 5 — terrifically difficult, extended and often violent rapids with constricted passageways.
Class 6 — generally considered unrunnable. Experts only.
The hymen, if not broken before marriage, is broken at the time marriage is consummated.
Proceed with caution, as the shards can be sharp.
Naturally, this is attended with more or less pain.
As I said, sharp. Most men seem to find a way to continue, despite the terrific pain they suffer at this time.
Where the hymen is quite tough and strong, the pain is considerable.
It will wring your manhood as the cook does a cock’s neck. But don’t back out now, man. Think of England!
Under normal sexual excitement the vagina secrets a lubricating mucus with aids in the sexual act.
Do not, and I cannot stress this strongly enough, offer her any of your mucus if you think the supply is running short.
Nearly all girls have heard frightful stories of the sufferings experienced by some women the night after marriage.
They wake the next morning unfulfilled, slathered in someone else’s mucus, and legally bound to a husband whining about how sore he is.
This explains, in part, why nearly all brides have no little hesitancy and dread as the first night after marriage approaches.
Calm her fears by explaining that you have warded yourself against hymen shards by means of a thick application of coal tar.
When the bride has complete confidence in her husband and he has caressed and loved her as he should, she will, at the proper time, invite the consummation of marriage.
Look for a small notecard on the bedside table with the letters R.S.V.P. written on it. Under no means proceed without it, as this would be rude.
By this time nature will have prepared her for this new experience.
Nature achieves this through a complex process involving the fermentation of grains, colorful small umbrellas and oddly shaped glasses.
Any pain will now be greatly reduced and unnoticed by her.
Better put on some more coal tar just to be safe, though
Next: Proof of Virginity after the Consummation of Marriage.
Kind of late to be worrying abou that now, don’t you think?
We just had a visitor from western Canada (Using shawcable.com 24.80.198.203) who found us via a search on bagdhad +temperature (yes, I know it’s mispelled).
Now who from western canada would want to know the temperature in baghdad?
I bet one of these guys would. Maybe he’s deciding what to pack?
Update: If it is military, that’s the fourth one in the last three hours, which is unusually high for me. Anyone else noticing this? mmmmmm……paranoia.
Update: Because you know, the most logical thing in the world to do is to go visit some blogs before you head out overseas.
Surely you’ve already heard that the speed of light may vary over time. But should you be the one person in then world who reads only this blog (Hi Mom!), then you’ll appreciate my unflagging devotion.
Microsoft decides that if you can’t fix it, then there’s no point in calling it a “security vulnerability”
I don’t normally describe things as “touching.” It’s just not the way I think of things. This story of a little girl meeting her genius sperm donor dad for the first time can only be described that way, though.
Slate has a copy of the Pentagon Powerpoint Presentation (ahhhh, alliteration) arguing that the Saudi’s are our chief enemy.